Immigration, vacation, infatuation

Some thoughts...

* Well, this immigration gig is really overwhelming. It could be the experience of working where I'm at, but it feels like every post I've written since I started this job has been about how exhausting this internship has been. I do this thing when I'm really overwhelmed where I just kind of try to avoid the stressor (whatever it is) at times when it's not immediately in my vicinity. Which is normal, and probably healthy, in most situations. I come home, cook some dinner or sit on the couch with my laptop or a magazine, or maybe go out with friends or on a date with T. But when the job is all wrapped up in trying to come up with a fellowship pitch for your boss so that you can potentially have a paid job for the next two years, sitting around and doing nothing in the evenings isn't necessarily the best idea. For example: I should be researching some very specific sections of 8 C.F.R. 287.7 right now. And a small voice in my head is saying, "If you don't get moving on this, you're going to find yourself drifting away from a Very Important Opportunity." I'm doing my best to drown that voice out.

* People keep asking if I'm going anywhere this summer. I keep forgetting that summer is the time for getaway vacations and such. Instead, T & I recently purchased tickets to fly to California in October for his cousin's wedding. That, in my mind, is going to be an awesome weekend vacation. His parents generously paid for our hotel room, and we used credit from our cancelled trip to Guatemala to get the flight for next to nothing. (Yes, flying to Central America was cheaper than flying to the West Coast!) We'll be staying in a luxury inn at Laguna Beach, and surrounded by tons of family. And I do feel blessed that I actually love hanging out with extended family at get-togethers! Well... for a weekend, anyway. But even more than the trip to California... we got our "extra" tax return (from when I realized a big error in our first joint tax return and we filed a 1040X), we just paid off our credit cards and now we are going to be getting tickets to go to Colombia over New Years!!!!!! This prospect is so exciting to me that I could care less about getting away this summer. (Well, that and the fact that I actually truly am enjoying not having any more big plans for the rest of the summer... it still feels so much more relaxing to just stay in town.)

* I miss my husband. We've been so busy running around and entertaining other people and trying to catch up on work that I feel like I've hardly got to see him. Well, okay, that's not exactly true. We did get in a few rounds of Boggle last night and ate a delicious dinner with Best Man and Best Woman tonight. I guess it's not that I miss him (he's only up the street at a poker game). It's that I like him. A lot. Today I got him a (very belated) birthday present that I can't wait to give him...when it gets here. : ) I was going to do a list of things I like about T, but then it just occurred to me that I can tell him those things when he gets home. But I will say, the best thing of all about him and me is the feeling like we're part of a team - he's got my back, and I've got his - and no matter how much we get on each other's nerves, there's a flame there that's been burning since the day we met. I love that I can count on that.

Secondary trauma at work

**Trigger warning**

I want to talk about something that's been on my mind. It's something I get the impression we aren't supposed to talk about as lawyers*, advocates, professionals. I want to talk about secondary trauma, the negative emotional affect that hearing the traumatic accounts from clents can have on us, the listeners. Except, I'm not going to talk about "us" because I can really only talk about "me."

Me...I've been coping with some residual discomfort in my life lately as a result of the tales being recounted to me by my clients. I remember a similar feeling from when I worked at the 1-hour photo shop when I first got out of college, and occasionally the DFS would bring rolls of films to be developed so the pictures could be used as evidence in parental termination hearings. It's a little different here, though. I'm supposed to be unaffected. As a lawyer we are zealous advocates and guardians of the law. We analyze and deliver. We take raw facts and forge them into powerful arguments. We don't let ourselves be phased by the reality of the situations. Do we? Oops... I switched back to "we" again.

"Do what you need to do," the mafiioso speaks calmly into the cell phone. "If you cooperate, everything will be just fine. You know we'll have to do our job if you don't follow our instructions. You can only imagine what will happen to your daughter." The man gathers his wife and kids, hitches the first flight to the United States, goes straight to customs and asks for his family to be taken into custody.

"Keep screaming, it turns me on." And then later, "That bastard baby in your belly is not mine. If you don't abort him, I'll do it myself."

"Did they kill many people?" A pause. A translation. A nod. "They shot them?" Translation again. Words exchanged in another language. A finger drawn across a throat. "They cut off their heads?" A pause. A translation. A nod. A hand covering eyes.

I told a new client I was going to send her an appointment card today. The panic in her voice when she said, "No, no, no! Don't send me anything, he inspects everything! Here, I'll write it down," it was unmistakable.

I just...I don't know what to do with these feelings. Nobody at work appears affected. And most of the time, I'm not either. When I'm actually sitting there with a client taking an affidavit, or translating, or reading a case file, I'm not in tears and I'm not indignant. I'm not stone-faced either. I thing I'm pretty okay at being sympathetic and respectful of survivors of trauma. I try (emphasis on "try") to treat others the way I would want to / have wanted to be treated. I try to keep a little distance, acknowledging the difficulties and strong feelings that come up, without reacting to them personally. I'm really not a basketcase at work.

But I've noticed that I find myself thinking about these stories in those pockets of time that I'm alone and undistracted...riding the bus, falling asleep, in the shower. Not constantly, but enough to know it's affecting me. I don't understand why I never hear the attorneys I sit in with say to their clients, "I'm sorry you went through that." We're not counselors (aside from legal counselors), I get it. But is it a distancing technique for the emotional health of the lawyer? I don't want to not be cognizant of the humanness of my [future] clients. I don't want to see one story after another and have them bleed together until it's all just a blur. At the same time, I need to know where to draw the line and protect the integrity of the client-atty. relationship and my own emotional health.

I guess I'm not going anywhere with this post. I just want to get it down on record that this is something I'm thinking about and learning about right now. I'm curious to see how my thoughts and feelings on this evolve as I become more experienced in this profession.

* Okay, I get that I'm not a lawyer yet. But I'm getting closer. And no, the clients aren't MINE-mine. But they're my responsibility while I'm at my internship, which is close enough for these purposes. I feel like a tween getting close to her 13th birthday and reading Seventeen magazine.

The Five Steps and other shrinky-dink advice

Pardon the self-help speak, but it so happens that I'm a big fan of lay cognitive psychology. Internet and armchair mental health diagnoses have helped me through some tough times when I didn't have access to or didn't think I needed an MH professional.

It was this old bag of tricks that I found myself turning to this afternoon, in a moment of panic and anxiety over an incident that occurred just as I was preparing to leave work and threatened to ruin my entire evening.

Allow me to present to you the Five Steps.* This is a trick that helps during those times when your world feels like it's caving in on you. It helps you to move past overwhelming emotions that threaten to paralyze you. I used to have this problem a LOT more, before I was diagnosed with PMDD and got treatment. But from time to time (i.e. today) it helps to remember ways to get past a tough moment.

So... the scene is this: I'm headed to the back of the office to drop off my case files for the day, when I run into my supervising attorney, signing out for the day. He catches my eye and, with a mouthful of food, says, "JE, come see me tomorrow afternoon so we can talk."

"Sure," I breezily reply. "What's up?"

And then The Very Fleeting Moment. He averts his eyes, pauses midbite and kinds of shrugs. I quickly jump in.. "Oh, okay. Just...stuff, right?" He immediately nods his head. "Yeah, just to talk about a few things."

Now, we just got together yesterday to review all my cases, so I know this isn't about what's going on with my case load. I went into his office to drop off my files, and saw the lastest assignment I'd turned into him, sitting on his desk with scribbles and notes all over it. For a split second, I thought about scanning over it, but his door was open and another attorney would've had a full view of what I was doing.

Nope. I was just going to have to wait. And stew. Thoughts immediately began running through my head, but they were incoherent. They took the form of a dark cloud appeared over my head. I messed up. Hiring me was a big mistake. He's terribly disappointed with the caliber of my work. I spent too much time with the FIFA games streaming on my computer. I'm not dressing appropriately. I shouldn't have called his cell phone (to tell him I was going to be late... I panicked!). I bug him too much. I don't communicate enough. I'm the worst intern they've had in a long time... on and on. You get the picture.

Enter: The Five Steps

Step One: HALT

Am I Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?

Well... yes, I am kind of tired. Later it turned out that I was hella tired, because I fell asleep for two hours after I got home. But at the time, I mostly just felt weary from a long day at the office. Not hungry, not lonely and not angry. It's possible that my exhaustion was exaccerbating my emotions, but I doubted it...

Step Two: Define the Problem

The problem was that ever since my boss told me that he needed to talk to me tomorrow and I realized that he had reviewed my assignment, I felt really anxious and inadequate because I knew that the product I turned in wasn't in the format he wanted it and it still needed a lot of work, so I was panicking and I was petrified of how I would feel in the meeting tomorrow.

Step Three: Think of (Exactly) Three Courses of Action

Okay... One, I could think through my feelings and then talk back to my twisted thinking (e.g. "I can't do anything right!... Wait, that's not true. I was complimented on my research skills by ED yesterday.") Two, I could wait until T got home and then talk to him about it. Three, I could distract myself and push the thoughts out of my head.

Step Four: Pick One Course of Action

I really wanted to spend more time thinking about what was bothering me. I also wanted to just forget all these uncomfortable feelings altogether, but I suspected that would just make me feel worse in the morning and I'd be cranky all night. So I picked #1, and decided that if I still felt bad, I would also do #2.

Step Five: JUST DO IT!

Well, I was riding on the bus when I was working through these steps, so I couldn't exactly write down my thoughts. But I did go through them silently to myself. I won't bore this blog with the innerworkings of my mind (anymore than I already have), but I will say that after spending some time when I got home identifying my twisted thinking and working to untwist some of my thoughts, I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up, I felt 95% better! And that's good enough for me.

* I didn't come up with this. Please see this website for more information and tools for panicky, reactionary minds. All the concepts mentioned here come from there.

Country music & me

I guess I go through phases. I was definitely one of those kids who grew up proudly declaring that I like "all kinds of music...except country and rap." Can anyone guess what two kinds of music I immediately scan the radio for when I'm in a car? And in particular, I listen to a lot of country lately. Usually, I come home from wherever I've spent the day, open up my radio laptop to either K95 or, especially on commercial-free Tuesdays, 98.7 WMZQ. The Big (Northern) City doesn't have a real country station... there's one that occasionally comes in on the car radio if I'm in the southwest corridor of the city, but don't expect to find someone who admits to listening to it. I couldn't even tell you the call letters.

K95 is the station I listened to when we were in Richmond. Even though I succumbed to enjoying country music well before then, it wasn't until Richmond that I discovered the healing principles of Nashville nostalgia. Mostly because they didn't play any of the good hip-hop I'd gotten used to in Durham, I switched to Kenny Chesney, Tim McGraw and Billy Currington on my afternoon commute. When we finally decided to leave Richmond for bulldozed pastures, I was surprised to suddenly realize how ubiquitous that southern musical twang really was down in the capital of the Confederacy. You'd walk into a 7-11 and it would be playing in the background. On a hot day, step into a local BBQ joint for a limeaid and it was crooning from the outdoor speakers. City festivals? State fairs? Children's Day at the museum? K95 was there.

So yeah, I listen to it a lot these days, because it reminds me of home. And because it's just so damn fun to sing along to. Don't believe me? Click here. Or here. Or here. And I even enjoy the commercials, which may be a little sick, I know.

On a completely different note, I came home from work today feeling emotionally draining, with that lingering sick feeling that comes from having heard or seen something very disturbing. I sense that I'm going to have to spend some time working through the internal distress of being exposed to some triggering situations. But now's not the time to write about that. Especially after spending 5 minutes having fun looking for country karaoke on youtube!

Summer jobs: 2nd time's the charm?

So tomorrow is the first day of my 2L summer job. I'll be working for an immigration...firm? Legal services organization? What do you call it? I really don't know. I should check their website for a better description, cause that issue ain't gonna stop coming up until I figure it out. I don't want to live out this scene from my current favorite television show on Netflix Wii.

Anyway, I'm starting tomorrow and I am nerrrrrvous!

I haven't heard from the hiring attorney since the job offer, except for a quick email back during finals when he asked me and the other intern to bring in our laptops on our first day. (They have a space issue.) I think I'm going to wear a black skirt from a skirt suit that I got for Xmas (yay! grown-up christmas presents!) and a pair of black pumps I just picked up at Target for $19.99. The problem is the top. I just sent most of my work appropriate clothes over to the dry cleaner for their annual dog-hair removal day. But they won't be back until late tomorrow afternoon. I have a dressy-ish tee that I just picked up, but that may be too casual and too long. I've got a cute blue top but it's sleeveless - big no no. The nice sweaters I have are just unbearable to think about in the humid 90 degree weather that has placed a curse over Big City for the past few days. What to do! Have I mentioned I have outfit anxiety?

The other big question is how I'm going to get to work. It's a good 12 city blocks to my west and about 8 or 10 blocks north of here. I could walk to work with T; he does it every day. But his job is about 6 blocks closer to home than mine. There's the bus that goes north, the bus that goes west... I could walk to the train and transfer... Oh, my. It's a not-fun Choose Your Own Adventure!

And, crap, I just told T I'd clear the table for our 9:35 p.m. Spanish-style late-night dinner. Gotta run now. Be back after it's all over.

A post not worth reading

Boring law school update: I finished my PR exam, my mock trial and the final paper for my serial writing course. Three "regular" (if you count an 8-hour take home exam regular) finals left and this I can finally chuck this semester into the wastebin, where I've been pretending it's been all along.

Aside from that, I've just been thanking my lucky stars that I snagged a man who knows how to communicate, doesn't hold it against me or shut down when I start to cry, tells me exactly why he's mad at me and is willing to spend 2 hours talking out a meltdown with me the next day.

Huh. "Meltdown." If I did a search for that word in my blog, I'd be willing to bet that it's come up every finals season so far. Should've seen it coming from a mile away.

What else? What else? I'm thinking about post-graduation possibilities. I'm thinking about immigration and whether this is something I'll want to practice. Pros include a high potential of getting paying work right out of school, maybe being able to start my own practice even, and really being able to help people in the community I had in mind when I left for law school. Cons include the very real possibility that it is drugery and not exciting work. I'm not sure. Haven't started my summer internship, but I suspect the pressure will be on before the end of the summer to figure out what exactly I want to do. Suckers. Nobody puts JE in a corner!

Change of plans

Well, we are not going to Guatemala. Our decisionmaking process on this point has been less than stellar, but we finally got to a place where we decided it was best not to go. This decision, while disappointing, was made much easier by the fact that the folks at Continental Airlines were so helpful in showing me how to get a full refund on the tickets. Getting the money back, which we should be able to do, makes the whole cancellation thing a lot more pallatable.

Now, what to do with the rest of my spring break??

In other news, I accepted an offer to work with an awesome local non-profit that does exclusively immigration law. Yay!

Hooray! Right?

I got an internship offer! Yay!

So I suddenly went from zero prospects on the horizon to three job interviews in three business days. I had the first one today, a phone interview that ended with an invitation to be a part of the organization's summer internship program. I have another interview on Monday, and then a third (phone) interview on Tuesday. Then it's off to Guatemala!

I keep wondering though, as I hear more and more about the terrible state of the economy and its dismal effect on job prospects, whether I am deluding myself. It's easy to get a summer job when you are looking at non-profit orgs that have no intention of paying you a dime for your time. It's easy to not get paid a salary when you have some work study funds to live off of.

But what happens next? After this second summer as a law student, I'll be moving up to the big leagues. I won't have work study to live off of, and the organizations I'm trying to work for still won't be willing to pay me a dime. So what do I do then? Should I be trying to get paying internships now, so I have a better chance of getting a job after I'm out? But wouldn't that just be succumbing to the trap of "I came to law school to change the world, but now I just want to get paid"? (I'm not saying that in order to pass judgment on anyone, least of all a law student looking for a paying job! This is just what everyone said would happen to me and happens to many public interest-minded law students.)

I guess I'll have to go the fellowship route, and hope I'll snag some pay for a project. That might not be such a ridiculous plan, except for my track record of chasing after the low-lying fruit. I'm pretty sure there's no low-lying fruit when it comes to highly-coveted post-grad fellowships. If anyone else has gone the all-public interest route and has insights on this, I would love to pick your brain for you to tell me everything is going to be alright. :)

In search of a money tree

There's a special aspect of law school unique to those who plan to be public interest lawyers: funding. I spent the better half of the day decked out in my pink bathrobe and surrounded by various iterations of my resume as I tried to finalize my applications for Peggy Browning Fund money. If successful, I could get paid some decent money for the summer doing employment/labor law for a cool legal services company. My preference is actually to get some experience doing immigration work for 2L summer, but if the money's in employment, employment I shall take. (Not actually necessarily true, but for the time being, that's what I'm telling myself.)

I don't generally concern myself too much with OCI or mock interviews, and I'm not on law review. Apart from the fact that very, very few firms (i.e. one hand's worth of fingers) are doing spring OCI at my school, I simply don't have an interest in working for any of the ones that do. I like it that way. If I did, it would complicate things and make my life full of tough decisions. I might actually have to try harder in the "dress like a grown-up" department. I might actually have to manicure my nails regularly. Or maybe not? I really don't know. All I know is that it's not in me to make the effort.

This probably paints a poor picture of public interest law, and fulfills the stereotype of PI as the field for people who aren't good at law school. That's a shame. Because I actually think I'm going to make a damn good lawyer. I am an excellent researcher and I have pretty good writing skills. I'm a creative problem-solver and I LIKE interpreting regulations and statutes. Somebody will be lucky to have me. They just don't know it yet.

I'm just not cut out for the aspects of law that I once thought were the bread and butter of law school (see OCI, law review). Turns out, while those are important and definitely smart ways to get ahead, they aren't the only ways. So I'm off in search of a money tree, doing my volunteer work and talking my enthusiastic talk about 287(g) agreements and OSHA logs, just hoping somebody will notice. That's my job search, in a nutshell. Best of luck in yours!

rhymes with pronfession

confession #1: i have no idea why my last blog post looks like it does. i wrote what i wrote in a text document, then decided i might as well post it on the blargh. for some reason it copied and pasted that way. i thought it looked cool.

confession #2: i am worried about a loved one having a drinking problem. i'm not sure how to deal with this, as it's a problem i've never had to deal with before. anyone out there? experiences with this?

confession #3: i cried on the phone with my dad today. this was after a big fight we had as i was leaving virginia last weekend. the tears took me by surprise, but out they came. big, fat and hot. i felt better.

confessions aside, i've been doing farmworker outreach for the last couple of days. i would write more about that, but the tenor i'm getting from the blarghosphere is that i shouldn't. so i won't.

t and i spent the night, as we promised each other we would, plotting out the ceremony details. all sorts of things that The Knot timelines say to do months in advance (you know, back when we were getting engaged), we're just getting around to doing. like, finding someone to perform the service. still looking for that special photographer. could it be you?

in other news, i am working on reading the new testament. i figure, i gotta start somewhere on this 30 before 30 thing. i really want to get out and take some film pictures with my ol' SLR, but i am gonna wait until i am done with my job after next week (woohoo!) to do that. last night, i read my single chapter aloud to T, who said, "borrrrrringgggg..." and i said, "i know!" but then the jealous king killed all the little children under 2, and i remembered hearing that story when i was a kid, and i thought, "how tragic! how violent! i wonder what happens next?" i am trying to psych myself up. ah, agnosticism!

Spanning time

So the internship is going pretty well. Yesterday, my supervising attorney said they'd like for me to stay on in the fall if I'm interested. Today, she and the paralegal were planning for next year's tax clinic when I was leaving. I popped my head into SA's office to say goodbye, and asked if they wanted me in on the planning call tomorrow. "Well, we were thinking that if you're here in the Spring you could help us at the clinic again next year, so... yes." Cool! Not the tax clinic thing, which doesn't thrill me, but the whole sticking around and working for them thing sounds pretty good. Not only do I like working for a legal aid organization, and not only do I like working with farmworkers, but I especially like the idea of having a "workplace". To keep me grounded when school starts up again, you know? To have something other than law school going on in my life, even if it is law-related!

In other news, T's grandma's service is next Friday (a.k.a. my 28th birthday), so our plans to go camping will have to be postponed. On the other hand, it means that my bridal shower will go on this weekend. It is just SO WEIRD to have such a joyous occasion marked by so much family tragedy. I mean, it's surreal. This was supposed to be the summer of wedding planning and romance (or, more realistically, wedding-related stress). Instead, it's been a summer of health issues and loss, with wedding planning somehow getting squeezed in and coloring the background of everything else. And that's okay. It will be a memorable summer, and I think that all the things that have happened are only serving to remind me and T of all the love we have in our lives, and all the things we should not take for granted. Even more than it did a couple of months ago, the thought of having all my friends and family gathered together in celebration really lifts my heart these days. Even if my Tio and T's grandma can't be there, their spirits will certainly be with us on that day.

The dog in the well

It was about 5:30 when I got a call from T letting me know he was downstairs at the entrance to my building. We now work two blocks from one another in the center of the Big City, and since my first work week has been very erratic, a new routine has not yet been established. I was just finishing up my first memo, which I'm still not sure if I actually needed to do.

"I'll be down in five or ten minutes, or you can come up," I offered. How quickly I slip back into work mode.

He opted to stay downstairs, probably smoking and people watching, while I finished cite checking and entering in case notes fourteen floors above him. Just as I was powering down the computer and getting ready to head out the door, my phone rang. It was T again.

"Best Man just called. Their dog got up in the attic and she's stuck. He needs me to come help."

I told him I was on my way down.

Thus was the start of a long afternoon of trying to rescue a very old dog from a very deep chute. The utterly frightening lightening storm this morning had apparently driven Best Man and Best Woman's dog up into their trinity loft, where she nosed her way into an unfinished attic with doors the size of a microwave, and promptly fell down a bricked-over chimney at the back of the house. Given that the storm was over by 9:30 this morning, and that the poor dog's predicament wasn't discovered until Best Woman came home at 5:30, and that nobody showed up to help until 7:15 and the wall wasn't finally torn down until nearly 8:00, it's quite a miracle that she was alive at all. The night ended with a three-hour long wait at the animal hospital and a giant hole in Best Man & Woman's rented home. But the old lady dog that they adopted two years ago is still alive, albeit with an ulcer in her eye and too much brick dust in her lungs to know what will end up happening to her.

As I was driving the car around to their block to take them to the hospital, just after the dog was pulled from the rubble of the bricks and drywall, I panicked for just a second, thinking that if I didn't hurry I wouldn't get there in time. After all that work to get her out, to have her die on the way to the vet.

She made it. Thank God. But today's victory feels somewhat hollow. My uncle died as I was waiting for my connecting flight in Georgia. He wouldn't have wanted us to see him that way, so I know it's for the best. I'm grateful that he knew how much I loved him, even as I'm sad I never got to tell him one last time and angry that he had to go so suddenly. I want to stop taking so much for granted.

So far so good

Well, thankfully, I talked to the paralegal who was very encouraging about my situation, and then I talked to my boss. She said it was no problem at all for me to go to the passport meeting, and to leave work early on Friday to fly out of the country. Now I just need to make sure I can get a ticket and my passport, neither of which is a guarantee at this point.

So much is happening right now. I started my new job on Monday, but really I was just in training for the last two days. Along with people from about four or five other organizations, we had a training all about farmworker law, including tax issues, housing, field sanitation, H2A & H2B workers, the Agricultural Workers Protection Act and much more. It would be a lie to say that I was captivated and sitting on the edge of my seat the entire time. It's hard to stay focused for 8 hours in the same moot court room, two days straight, even when the subject is interesting, there is plenty of free coffee and you've had many breaks. Still.

As I sat in the room and looked over the agenda, and listened to the lawyers give their presentations, I was struck by how perfect this whole situation is. Three years ago, I was working for a mom-and-pop company training spanish-speaking laborers on how to avoid electrocution in a wet crawlspace or keep from being buried alive while digging a trench. I was helping co-workers complete workers comp forms when their backs gave out or the trench did collapse. I was calling landlords to ask why rent checks were never cashed, and handing out pamphlets on the free neighborhood clinics run by Duke. I loved it. Going to law school was my best guess as to how I could continue to do this type of work as a career. I didn't want to be a social worker. I didn't want to be a translator. Human resources was never going to work. This is it. And I feel so lucky. I'm excited about this summer!

Meanwhile, my uncle is laying in a bed somewhere far south of here, unable to move anything but his eyes. Six months ago, he was flying helicopters in Afghanistan, a fact that I was never comfortable with, but which speaks to his health and the manner with which he approached life: fearlessly. I am completly baffled and frightened by the fact that my macho, overly-protective, doting, hard-drinking, fun-loving, physically fit uncle, the oldest surviving son of my grandmother, the man who used to tell me I should have one boyfriend for every day of the week, who only just met T for the first time over Christmas, but immediately liked him and welcomed him into the family only two weeks ago... that he is now bed-ridden for life, and that he is stuck in this horrible medical, legal, ethical limbo. It makes no sense. It seems unreal. I can't believe this is actually happening to us.

At the same time, T and I went out to dinner tonight, where he brought up a concern that he had. He shared a story with me that he didn't have to share. The kind of story that is easier to keep to yourself to avoid questions. But because I am dating a wonderful man, and because we have learned the hard way about radical honesty and trust, he came to me and we talked. We're not a perfect couple by any stretch. I know that T and I will weather our fair share of storms in the future, just as any couple will have to do. We've been through some hell of our own already, which we were fortunate enough to have been brought together by, rather than getting torn apart. Sometimes I don't think I stop often enough to think about how lucky we are.

I was saying to him how as I've grown older I've grown more self-confident. It's true. It's not that I feel prettier (I don't) or smarter (I don't) or even wiser (I don't, usually). The difference between who I am now and who I was when I first met T has a lot more to do with how much more I believe in myself. And because I believe in myself, I don't walk around feeling fearful all the time, like I used to do when I was younger. Now, when I feel bad, whether it's insecurity, anger or disappointment, I believe my reasons and I trust myself enough to bring those feelings to the table. And I trust T to take me seriously. Because of that trust, I don't feel guilty bringing things up, and I usually feel better after we've talked. It's awesome. It's not perfect. It doesn't always work. But it's awesome.

So it's a mixed bag these days. Wedding planning. New job. No summer funding. Family illness. Sadness. Love.

Still don't know what to do

Training is at 8:30 tomorrow morning, and I don't know whether to ask my brand-new boss if I can leave work early on Friday to travel out of the country. I mean, my cousin is getting my ticket. So, if I don't ask (or tell) her, the ticket and miles get wasted, I think? But I don't want to ruin my reputation this early on in the summer. (Or at all!)

Plus, I'd have to come into work late on Thursday.

What a horrible time for a family member to get quadripeligic and have to go on life support!

Call for advice

Dear reader,

If you happen across this blog and have ever worked in a summer legal internship, I need your advice on a sensitive issue. I start my summer internship at a legal aid clinic on Monday. Well, technically, I'm at a training on Monday and Tuesday, and then it's to work. I'm excited about the job! I'll be working for a single attorney with a single paralegal, on a specific issue.

Here's the problem. Earlier this week, I received news that my uncle, who I am close with, suffered a stroke. This was a shock because he is physically fit, relatively young and healthy. He also lives in my family's country of origin (i.e. not in the USA). My uncle has generously hosted me for visits for years, and is all around a very loving, caring guy.

Flashforward to yesterday. The first reliable news comes in. He didn't suffer a stroke, it was an aneurysm that burst. Due to congenital defects, his brain cells immediately started dying, and he suffered serious brain injury. He is now stabilized, but he is quadripeligic, only able to move his eyes up and down. Most of the time he is sedated, but when he's not unconscious, they say he is aware of what's going on around him. This is not going to change.

Tio is on life support, but according to his will, he stated he never wanted to be left on life support. However, in the country where he is hospitalized, the doctors make the final decision. Family is rallying together to fly relatives to visit him this week. I am making arrangements to get my passport in order so I can go.

The problem? My work. I just plan to go for the weekend, which is amazingly possible. But all flights seem to leave during the day. I can take a night flight but I won't get there until Saturday morning, and I'd have to leave Sunday morning in order to be back in time for work on Monday. So I would either have to go for 24 hours, miss all/part of a day on Friday or miss all/part of a day on Monday. And this is my first week. I have to book my flight before my passport meeting this week.

Should I even bring this up to my boss, or just do the 24 hour visit and not say a word? If I do bring this up, should I e-mail her this weekend or wait to mention it at the training? Do I mention it casually to see what she says, or do I approach her directly? Please advise whether I will kill my reputation early by bringing this issue to the table!

Thank you ever so much, reader. I appreciate it.

back to it

today i feel much better, if not completely well. i suspect i will have charged through the entire roll of Scott 1000 before i'm completely done with my five-day course of anti-biotics. it's looking kind of thin. but aside from sniffly nose, hacking cough, and bits of green randomly spewing from me, i really am feeling a world of difference! i actually slept last night! really! it was amazing, if not perfect.

i know i slept because i had this ridiculously funny wedding nightmare in which i showed up to the reception and found hundreds of place settings and a bizarre mix of random people i vaguely knew in high school and college. it dawned on me that i may have accidentally sent the invitation to my wedding to all my friends on facebook. luckily, there was a crowd, so all good, right? except my groom was hunkered in the corner, no family was in sight, we had a d.j. playing cheesy 80s songs (not the good kind), and we hadn't actually gotten married. it was all very confusing, and ended with the guests trickling out before anything actually *happened*, and t's parent's finally showing up, with t's dad immediately crawling under covers and saying, "i don't want to deal with this. i just don't want to deal with this."

well, anyway.

i registered for classes for next semester today. i'm actually excited about it! somebody smack me upside the head. what i am NOT excited about is starting my job next week. not because i don't think it's an awesome job. it's just....petrifying. am i really prepared for this? also: i'm like the only law student who is going to be working for this particular department (i think). spotlight, ON. i'm realizing that i am very, very afraid of messing up, to the point that i think i avoid big challenges. too late to avoid this one. i guess i'm going to have to screw up the courage to do the work and (hopefully) do it well. whatever it turns out to be. i have no idea. i am avidly reading the blogs of other rising 2Ls who started work already, to see what i can learn and to remember that i am not alone. eek!

my goal is to have kicked this nasty infection/virus/bronchitis/sinisitus/swine flu-thing by tomorrow so i can go shopping for work clothes, get a hair cut and prepare to look fabulous on monday! here goes nothing.