The first shall be last

This is the semester that will not die. My original plan was to be done early, while all the rest of the suckers slaved away during the second half of exam week. It happened that all four of my exams were scheduled during the first week, and although I could postpone some, I had no plans to put off the inevitable. After all, my brother was graduating from college on December 12th, after many long years of equivocating over whether to put forth the effort to get the degree. On top of that, one of my 30 things to do before turning 30 was to get out to Denver to visit him. I was planning on boarding a plane on Friday with nothing but a change of clothes and a fifty dollar bill with which to get my brother hammered.

Then my first exam happened on Monday. I was able to fight off the strong urge to go straight to the bar to drink my troubles (i.e. 1500-word limits!) into oblivion. As any survivor of a law school exam will know, that is no small feat. However, the only reason I was able to stay sober was because I had a date to study with a classmate for my evidence exam, a mere 40 hours away. After we were through, thoughts of the "free slot" exam I had planned to take the next day took on a laughable tone. Instead of studying, I hung up Christmas decorations with T and we watched more Deadwood. Post-Evidence exam on Wednesday, I had all but vowed in blood that I'd be postponing ONE exam until the next week. I was still ready to take on Employment Law on Friday.

Then I remembered rush hour traffic. To be more precise, my friend reminded me that the airport we were planning to fly out of on Friday at 7:00 takes an hour and fifteen minutes to get to without traffic. My exam was due to let out at 5:30. It was postpone exam #2 or miss brother's graduation (and lose out on a bunch of money). I made a beeline to the Dean of Academic Affairs.

So. Flashforward one week and here I am about ready to take an exam at 6:00 so I can come home to cram for my final final exam on Thursday (or, horrors!... Friday??). Thus I am fulfilling at least the second half of the biblical prophecy: The last shall be first, and the first shall be last. May I never secretly gloat over finishing my finals before other law students again.

On checking off boxes in life

Several things occurred to me this morning as I was decidedly NOT studying for the myriad law school exams I have yet to take this week...

1. I'm not sure what exactly constitutes a law school blog, but I'm pretty sure mine doesn't. I do touch on being in law school, but it's mostly just the backdrop for my life. If there were a bright line test, I would certainly not meet it. I'm not sure I have enough to meet a totality of the circumstances balancing test.

2. If I'm not careful I can spend way too much time reading other people's blogs. I think I spend too much time imagining myself in others' shoes. I like to read about people who have 10 kids, people who are spouses to people in law school, people who are fans of ralph nader and jesus christ at the same time. I could feel like a lurker in others' lives for half the day if I'm not careful.

3. When I stop measuring my own life up to the lives of anonymous others, I realize that I can do a lot more to improve it and, paradoxically, I have it really really good. I'm 28 and recently married. I spent a lot of time dating my husband before we tied the knot, including time spent in college, time living with my parents, time traveling the globe, time in a long distance relationship, time of heartbreak, time of coming together, time dreaming, time compromising about our futures, time working in retail, time learning how to make radio programs, time living in little mexico, time with a kitten, time with a puppy, time in small towns, small cities, the south and the north. I've done a lot. I used to imagine that by this time in my life, I would have kids, a successful career (as a photographer) and a house. I have none of those things. But it's not because I'm behind. No way. It's because it turns out life moves faster than I expected it to. Because I was just living it, doing the things that made sense to me... after high school, after college, after traveling, after co-habitating with T. It never occurred to me to look at the watch. And I'm glad. Because if I was as hung up on checking off boxes in my earlier twenties as I can sometimes be these days, I never would've:
- Faced down depression and post-graduation fear by taking a bus south of the border and not stopping until Panama
- Eaten mole for breakfast in Oaxaca, Mexico
- Danced cumbia with my uncle in Girardot, Colombia until they shut off the power
- Realized some things are more important to me than solo adventures, and T was one of them.
- Stared my childhood in the face by moving home
- Sought out life-changing therapy
- Learned to force myself to chase my goals even in the face of fear
- Realized how much fun March Madness can be
- Become fluent in Spanish & OSHA regulations
- Mentored 6 amazing kids
- Learned who I am when I live by myself in a city with nobody I know
- Adopted my wonderful, bestest dog in the world
- Fallen in love with the South
- Forced myself to move beyond my social fears and push myself beyond my comfort zone
- Figured out that even with all the right pieces, there's no short cut to a happy ending
- Committed myself to fighting for a happy ending
- Discovered the joys of Virginia
- Enjoyed taking LSAT prep tests in the heat of a summer night
- Applied to law school on a whim
- Moved to a big city at the age of 27 just for the experience

And so much more.

Why am I writing all of this? To remind myself, I guess, that I am where I am because of how I got here. To remember all the things I've done. And to break myself out of the box-checking mode that has me longing to be done with school and on to other things. To imagine all the things I'll be able to add to that list from this experience here in law school and in the Big City.

SNOW!!!!!!!!!

It's Christmas-y!!!

Just read Carolyn Hax's Annual Holiday Hootennany of Horrors after swinging by the jeweler's to pick up my ring (getting fixed before the stone fell out), who said that he was hosting his annual holiday party tonight. Snow is falling all over the place, and a glance to my left reveals a window full of fat snowflakes. I have dark chocolate Swiss Miss cocoa and four finals to study for (i.e. an excuse to never leave the house). It's holiday time!!!!!!!

Now where are those stockings and that rat's nest of Christmas lights?

The coffee shop awaits

At 7:30 the alarm goes off. I let T hit snooze over and over again. Eventually he tires of this and starts making kissy-noises on my face. I tell him its annoying. No wait. I tell him, "Don't use your nose for evil." He laughs. I open my eyes. "Finally, a sunny day," I say. There is blue peeking through the slots in the blinds.

Yesterday, I promised him that I would make the coffee while was in the shower, so when he gets up to start his day, I get up to start the coffee. Inspired by this bright start, I return immediately to the bed. I invite the dog "up up", then fall promptly asleep.

I wake up at noon. Whoops. Once again my self-discipline has been conquered by my love of sleep. The dog has been barking. It occurs to me that he may not be barking in alarm at noises he hears coming from the street. He may be simply shouting at me to get my lazy ass out of bed. I open my eyes again. He is staring at me.

Before I pull back the covers, I start to sing. This is my way of exciting the dog. By exciting the dog, I feel more guilty for not getting up. It works. Eventually, I pop upright, and the dog hops down. We start.

I consider my options:
- Walk the dog to the coffee shop with me, and study there with him. No. I won't get anything done.
- Walk the dog to the park, then go to the coffee shop and eat something there while I study. No, I am tired of eating croissants for breakfast and lunch.
- Walk the dog to the pet store, buy him a bribe bone and then go study. No. He needs a real walk. And I need a real breakfast.
- Cook breakfast, then walk the dog, then study. Yes.

Last night I baked brownies in a fit of procrastination. For once in my life, I decide this isn't enough sustenance to get me through the afternoon. I eat two canned pineapple rings. Not enough carbs. I fry up the last couple slices of fake bacon, while looking at the nutritional info. Good for some thiamine and not much else. I check out the box of Rice Cripsies. OK. Pineapple slices, some bacon and a bowl of cereal. It warrants a brownie for dessert.

I eat and read the city weekly. Some police officers recently arrested a guy in our area of the city for filming an arrest on his iPhone. Crap. This reminds me that I have a lot of outlining left to do for Political and Civil Rights. No time to think about that.

Post-breakfast, I saddle up the dog and go down to the park. We chill for a while. I take him back. I pack up my backpack. Then I make my way over to the computer to look for an outline someone was supposed to send me. I end up checking out blogs until the dog comes in to whine at me. So I get up, guiltily, and walk over to the living room to pet him. I lay on the couch for five or ten minutes.

Finally, I get up, sling my backpack over my shoulder and walk out the door.

The coffee shop awaits. It's always waiting.

FRE falling

The CALI website goes down just when I planned my entire afternoon around doing their stupid evidence lessons. Just like that: all my holiday cheer is out the window.

Dammit! Son of a bitch...

holiday season in the big city

one thing i love about the change in seasons is the opportunity to revisit old memories and make new ones around the same themes. in the spring, i get to recall the sudden blossoming of trees in fredericksburg, the bright colors along 147 as i drove to work in durham, warm days and the promise of even warmer ones to come. in the summer, the sound of ice cream trucks, scorching sidewalks and the smell of chlorine take me back to childhood. i relive the excitement of the annual june liberation on those last days of school. fireworks and sweaty naps in unairconditioned rooms and swims in the river. sunshine at 9 at night. in the fall, perhaps my favorite, there is the crisp air of so many trips to my family's mountain cabin ("the lot") and splashes of orange everywhere remind me of field trips to pumpkin patches or my first date with T, when we drove to Niagara Falls on a whim on our school's fall break. crunchy leaves and farmers markets and sunday afternoon football. the promise of a better Redskins year.

it's all about the memories. not the ones that already exist, but the ones we are making this year. holiday season is my favorite season because you can almost sense the nostalgia even before the present becomes the past. you can look around a table full of family, friends, and imagine what it will be like to tell stories about these people to future generations, or just to remember them when you're older, grayer. unlike at most other times of the year, it's almost second nature to appreciate what you have during the holidays. last year, T's grandma was here with us playing wii for the first time in our tiny apartment. this year, she's up in heaven watching our first-annual wii tennis tournament in her honor. last year, my uncle was down in Colombia and i wasn't even thinking about what he was doing. i just knew he was there. and now he's up in heaven, undoubtedly watching his granddaughter celebrate her fourth thanksgiving.

i like that this is my second thanksgiving in the Big City. its another year to walk the streets and see the christmas lights go up, watch the lines of people waiting for cannolis at the bakeries, taste the pumpkin bread at my favorite coffee shop, enjoy the decorations in all the rowhouse windows... cement these images in my mind so i can recall them more vividly when we've moved on from here eventually.

happy thanksgiving ya'll

the end of class today marked the beginning of a blissful two-day period of ignoring law school. i celebrated with my friend A by driving back to my neighborhood in the miserable gray cold, where we parked ourselves on a couple of bar stools and talked about our mock trials.

tonight, i will attempt to turn a long list of places to clean in my apartment into a fun and cozy game for T and I to share. we'll tackle the stove top, the corners of the bathtub, the pieces of nylabone in the carpet. i even hope to brave the tumultuous depths of my closet. all in an effort to be able to take pride in our newly-marital apartment when T's parents come up for the first time post-wedding.

then, after doing all that cleaning and hopefully sneaking in a trip to the grocery store (perhaps a bit ambitious considering it's quarter to nine as i type), we'll snuggle up to a couple episodes of deadwood while the weather outside continues its descent into winter.

tomorrow, i'll get up early to continue what i hope becomes a new thanksgiving tradition as long as we're in the Big City. i'll walk down to the Italian bakery a few blocks away and park myself in line for a few thanksgiving day treats to share with the family. the smells from the bakery will lure me in while i'm still halfway down the block. my mouth waters thinking of it.

and then, when i get back, after putting on the pot of coffee and eating the sugary treats with T, i'll start cooking. T will make his amazing green bean casserole. i'll make the baked sweet potatoes, glazed carrots and guacamole deviled eggs. we'll load the food up and bring it over to T-bro's house, meeting up with his parents somewhere along the way, and then we'll EAT.

last year, T's grandma was with us. this year, she's not. we'll keep her dear to our hearts, and try to appreciate one another a bit more this year.

happy thanksgiving to you and yours!