wedding insanity

It was a lovely weekend, but seeing that it was capped off by unprecedented wedding stress and family drama, I have joyfully returned to my firetrap apartment in the Big City where I spent the morning watching White Oleander on the couch and blissfully not checking e-mail. (Mondays are office hours, so work doesn't start til the afternoon.) Now I intend to get dressed, saddle up the pony-dog and head over to the cafe to space out and not think about wedding. What a beautiful way to spend the day.

Down to Virginia

We are headed down to Virginia in just a few moments. I've stolen away with my cup of coffee to sit here and make a quick little blog post. We're on our way to visit the site where we'll get married, and take care of all those details we've put off to the last minute. (Photographer, I know you're out there somewhere...) In three weeks, more or less, we're getting married. Wow. I'm still having wedding dreams, but they're less and less like nightmares and more and more excitement and happiness.

The dog is hanging around our feet tonight because the sky was rumbling so much earlier. He has no idea we're about to shove him into the trunk of T's hatchback for a long haul south. But once we get there, he'll be glad. There's much more room to run and play, and many more gross and smelly things to roll in. Pretty soon, he's gonna get a weeklong vacation in the country, while dog-mom and dog-dad go to Spain!

Another weird thing: I can't stop burping. It's getting gross. I think burps are more disgusting than farts by a long shot. A few minutes ago, I sat down next to T on the couch, and immediately began a chain reaction of mini-burps. "I'm so glad you chose right here to sit," says T, snarkily. So I got up to write this post instead. Have a good weekend!

Digging deeper

Well I was working on a long and thought-out introspective post about my feelings toward radical/progressive politics, and the seemingly inexplicable development in recent years of an anti-intellectual streak in my attitude. But then a wall of bike cops and dozens if not hundreds of crazy party-goers streamed down my block, making noises like a riot, and I got distracted. They're gone now, but as I type there is lightening striking somewhere in the neighborhood, the rain is crashing down HARD and there is a lone siren blurting and bleating in front of my door. Whatever is going on out there, it's not pretty. Of course this is all ten minutes after I kiss T good-bye and wish him a safe walk to a downtown hotel where he is meeting out-of-town friends for a drink at a bar. Thank god for online texting.

Anyway, since I'm not getting back to my shoegazing post anytime soon, I thought I'd at least check in. I'm thinking more about how to use this blog as a way for me to develop thoughts and share about myself and process things that are going on in my life. I feel like I've said one of the same two things over and over for a while: either "I am so lucky" or "Life can really suck sometimes." Sometimes I say both things in the same post, just to mix it up. And that's all I think I really ever express to anyone in real life either. Making an effort to reach out to people feels like swimming upstream in a rapid current. It's exhausting, and it's easy to want to give up.

When I worked at my last job, I only ever interacted with two people: my boss, and my boss's boss (also my boss). I think I purposely chose that job because I was afraid of taking a job somewhere where I would interact with a lot of others, especially peers. I had just left a situation in which my actions had caused a ton of hurt, and I didn't want to make any moves that would lead to the same or similar results. In short, I didn't trust myself. Now, I'm back at a place in life where I have many opportunities to interact with people, but I still find myself holing away, unsure of the proper way to be a good friend.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. I want to challenge myself to dig deeper. Whatever that means. So today I went to the coffee shop by my house with a journal and this marriage book that I bought on a whim when marriage was still a long ways from our reality. I wanted to work on writing my vows. Last night, T and I spent a while finally tackling the subject of what we want our ceremony to be like. We got in some arguments, had a few laughs and generally made productive headway. Now I'm trying to think of all the things I want to promise him, and the things I'd want him to promise me. With less than a month to go, the only thing I'm freaking out about is the deadline. Sometimes this date feels like a deadline to have it All Figured Out. I know us well enough to know that we are good problem-solvers and the issues we haven't already tackled or talked about, at least in the hypothetical, are few and far between. Mostly we are on the same page, or are confident in our ability to reconcile our differences. There is one issue that lingers that I doubt we'll have figured out before we marry. And I guess that's the only thing that worries me. Are we supposed to know every single detail of our plan for our future? Of course not. But what ARE we supposed to have worked out? What's okay to play by ear? I just don't know. The one thing I am glad about, though, is that I do absolutely know that I am making the right choice. But that goes back to that whole "I'm so lucky" thing. And I've said that before.

the living's easy

Today is exactly one month from the day I get married. In one month, I will be at my wedding reception. Isn't that crazy? Not really. This isn't more than what I ever expected we would do. I've always known I want to spend my life with him. But at the hard parts of our relationship, I have wondered if I would get to live that dream out. It looks like I might be in luck, after all.

I had three glasses of wine at a fancy bar on the 19th floor of a high rise in the middle of the city with my section-mates from 1L year. While I was there, I learned that our new class schedules are up for the fall. I came home and checked out the roster, where I learned I'll be taking Employment Law, Trust & Estates, Political & Civil Rights and the school's famed trial advocacy program. The news is something of a Pandora's Box. It is fascinating, intriguing, exciting... and dangerous. I am staring at my new class schedule from across the room, eyeing it warily and waiting to see who makes the first move. I'm not ready to go back yet. Hell, I'm not ready to cross that aisle and go from planning a wedding to being married. Everything is moving so fast!

Multiples of 7

I am now 7x4 years old. My birthday was celebrated on the same day as America's, since my actual birthday was spent at a funeral service for T's grandma, which was a surprisingly nice way to pass the day (honoring and hanging with loved ones). On July 4th, T's parents had us, along with T-bro and his GF on their sailboat. I spent most of the trip chatting with T-mom about wedding plans. Since she spent the last month nursing her suddenly terminally ill mother, she was eager to reconnect with happier thoughts of our upcoming celebration. The rest of the sailing excursion I spent drinking beers and imagining future children running around pulling ropes and saying things like "tighten the jib!" and "crank the wench!" and other phrases that only make me giggle. After doing some brief genealogical research, I learned that T's family roots are buried deep in the sandy earth of the Eastern Shore on both sides. He comes from a salty past. I like that.

I also drew out a list of the 30 things I want to do before I turn 30, but promptly lost it. I will try to recreate it here... If I don't get to all 30, I will at least try to fulfill the ones I do remember. I decided that I've done like a million really awesome things in my life, and I'm not dying to do a lot right now. There are only a few very big things I want to do, none of which felt right on a list of items to check off. (Hello, "Get my JD"!) So, anyway... here they are, in no particular order:

1) Read the New Testament
2) Plant a (herb?) garden
3) Perfect grandma's chicken and rice
4) Learn to cook Ajiaco
5) Attend Catholic mass in Italian and Spanish (neighborhood churches around here do that sort of thing)
6) Get a Brazilian wax
7) Be able to do a new hairstyle (no ponytails)
8) Introduce T to my Colombian relatives
9) Learn to hem / basic sewing
10) Record my dad's life story
11) Visit my bro in CO or wherever he is
12) Run in a race
13) Play on an intramural/community sports team
14) Get a bike
15) Go back country camping
16) Go fishing
17) Spend a night dancing at a Latin music club
18) Shoot a roll of film & frame a new picture for my walls
19) Take a Tae Kwon Do class
20) Take a yoga class
21) Publish a zine
22) Ride a wave on a surf board

That is all I can remember now. If I remember more, I will post them. For now, I think I have a good list of things to get started on! I'm kind of excited -- this could be my ticket to getting off the computer and out the door!

"101" Things To Do Before I Die

...okay, more like 61. And I wrote this circa May 2000, when I was a freshman in college, not in high school. While I am entering these without any added commentary, rest assured I am not keeping a straight face while typing! "X"s by the ones I've done!

1. Read the Bible (the WHOLE thing!)
2. Go to the Serenghetti
3. Get married
4. Have kids
5. Meet Billy Corgan
XX Travel cross country w/friends
7. Publish a book
8. Be on the Price is Right
9. Sell a photograph (or 20)
10. Get my doctorate
11. Bike across the county
12. Write a song to be played by a band
XXX Learn how to dance
14. Take pictures for a newspaper / Life-Time mag.
XXX Go on a shopping spree (guilt-free?)
16. Learn recipe to chicken & rice (and perfect it)
17. Live on the ocean / by the sea
18. Live in Europe (Spain...? Nerja...?)
19. Get physically fit - able to run a mile, do pull ups!
XXX Visit relatives in Colombia
21. Own a boat!!!
22. Fly a plane
XXX Learn a foreign language (and be FLUENT)
24. Invest $ in the stock market!
XXX Get high
26. Go to Mardi Gras
27. Bungee-jump!
28. Go hiking in the Eastern Hemisphere
29. Go to Australia
30. Go scubadiving
31. Learn how to surf
32. Go camping in the wild (not a campground)
33. Do Peace Corps
34. Create a social services program
XXX Skinny dip co-ed!
XXX Get drunk and XXXXXXX [okay one censorship :) ]
37. Travel w/my dad
38. Get to know [my older brother] and his family
XXX Karaoke at a K. bar
40. Adopt a child
41. Foster care
XXX Kiss a girl
43. Be happy at 70
44. Volunteer at an AIDS clinic
XXX Befriend a person completely unlike me that I wouldn't normally be friends with
XXX Try being a vegetarian
47. Swtich to an organic diet
48. Run for political office
49. Beat Mario in under 5 min.
XXX Confront my parents about the past
51. Learn the truth
52. Have & maintain faith
XXX Be a regular (at a diner/coffee shop, e.g.)
XXX Get to know my Goddaughter
XXX Get in touch and attempt to rekindle friendships with friends from youth.
XXX Stay friends with F for life
57. Get a black belt in Tae Kwon Do
58. Learn to play the drums
59. Work at McDonalds
XXX Drink moonshine
XXX Teach photography to underprivileged kids

What I am going to do with my life

Well, I've been trying to come up with ideas of things I want to do before turning 30 and finding the task to be harder than I expected. Isn't that weird? I expected it to be pretty easy, but I find myself challenging every idea that pops into my head.

Example #1:
Young JE - "I like to travel. What about doing a cross country road trip?"
Grownup JE - "Yeah, but are you really going to have time to go on a road trip this summer or next summer? You have law school and summer internships. Plus, where is the money going to come from? And that's to say nothing of the cost of gas..."
Young JE - "I guess you're right. Besides, there's plenty of time in my life to go on road trips. I don't really want to go on a road trip right now."

Example #2:
Grownup JE - "How about buying a house. That's something you want to do pretty soon, right?"
Young JE - "I think so. But c'mon. Isn't that going to happen anyway? I mean, do I really need a list to encourage me to buy a house? This is supposed to be about me and what I like to do. You know, for fun."
Grownup JE - "Fine. But good luck coming up with those ideas."

Am I a nutjob or what? Anyway, I AM coming up with some good ideas but I'm giving myself until my actual birthday to complete the list. I have to admit, the grownup side of me is having second thoughts, and I'm wondering if I'm pressuring myself to do something I don't really want to do anymore. But the young side of me is egging me on, daring me to just do it.

So, for personal inspiration, shits and giggles, I'm digging out my high school list of 100 things I want(ed) to do before I die. I'm putting that as a separate post.