Graduation year! And my first hearing.

Had my first Master Calendar Hearing today! What an immigration law nerd I am. As I sat in the IJ's courtroom watching the delicate Kuboki dance of discretion between the judge, the government attorney and the client's attorney as the client's attorney argued for a motion to suppress (evidence of an unlawful arrest), I was in AWE. I'm surprised I didn't break out in a grin from ear to ear, or jump up and down and shout, "Ooh! Ooh! What happened? What evidence does the government have to support removability? Why was he arrested???? How long was he in jail on a detainer????????? Huh? HUH?!" Maybe I did do those things and just don't remember.

What I do remember, very clearly, is thinking to myself, "I wish I was doing this for a living already. I want to spend all day here." Oh, fresh meat. I'm such a newbie. I wonder how long it'll take me to burn out on this stuff. But whatever, for the moment, I'm happy to have found something I'm so passionate about and to feel so...at home in what I'm doing.

Heh. That's kind of funny, too because I am at home, when I should be at school. You know. For class? Advanced Contracts? That whole, getting a JD thing? Wow, it's fun being in my last year.

Oh, and one other thing. I'm doing 12 month-long resolutions this year instead of one year-long resolution. Last month I resolved to eat breakfast every day. It seriously changed my life. I can't believe I was going without breakfast for so long! The only thing is that I've started to get sick of eggs, and sometimes french toast doesn't cut it. I'm looking for other suggestions in the breakfast department. February is exercise month. I have resolved to exercise for half an hour (or run/walk one mile) every day. This is going to be a serious challenge, to the point that I wonder if I should even mention it on here. But there I go. Exercise month! Resolution year! Graduation year! Sweet.

My first race

Tomorrow I am running my first ever 5K. My first ever race, actually, unless you count elementary school field days. I used to dread that one day of the year when our P.E. class had to run four laps around the soccer field. The Dreaded Mile. But today, in what was perhaps a stupid rookie mistake, I ran/walked 2 miles (0.5 run, 0.25 walk, 0.75 run, 0.5 walk) along my street.

So, if all goes as planned, tomorrow I'll be able to cross another one off my list. Wish me luck!

Out of breath, but breathing

I've spent the last three hours living an after-school special about Why You Don't Wait To The Last Minute To Assemble Your Applications. I guess this was a sequel to my 1L year lesson in Why You Always Check Your Legal Memo Word Count Before Saying "I'm Done" And Going To Sleep.

Anyway, I really am done now. Like it or not. And for the first time EVER, I felt an urge to run off steam. At 29, "firsts" don't come every day, but this was truly a first. So after I parked my car (legally -- check), locked it up (wheel lock -- check; faceplate put away -- check) and found the house keys I borrowed from T (in the locked car -- check), I suited up in some raggedy shorts and running shirt and WENT ON A RUN. All by myself. And not an obligatory run. I did that yesterday at the gym. This was a real "I actually want to" run. Cue the heavenly music.

Okay, so it was only a mile, and of that mile I only actually ran half of it: 2.5 blocks running, 2.5 walking, repeat. And I took the dog who had to do his business along the way. But for real, I came back sweaty and thirsty and exhausted. Yay :)

Now I am going to take a shower, await the return of my hero (T, as usual) and hopefully meet some friends for drinks and pub quiz where I will forget all about September and the Great Fellowship Debacle Quest of 2010. Bring on October!

Protruding stomach

I have a protruding stomach. When I sit down, my stomach hangs out and it looks like I have a big ol' gut like my dad's. I don't necessarily hate it. I've gotten used to it in a lot of ways. I do hate that the bottom half of me is wider than the top half. That much I do hate. But what I hate the most is the way T reacts to it. He tries to play it cool, and a lot of the time he does. But I can tell that he doesn't prefer my fatty fat round belly. And of course I don't blame him. I was pretty thin when we met. I'm expanding and it's hard to stop it. He deserves a wife that tends to her appearance. And considering he likes me better without make-up, tans and fancy clothes, it's not the hardest thing in the world for me to make an effort on this one front. The more I think about it, the worse I feel. And that's the cold hard truth.

On the one hand, I want to get in shape and take better care of myself because it seems like a good way to care for myself and show myself some love. On the other hand, I feel obligated to do it faster! quicker! better! because it's what my husband deserves. And to not do it is to be a bad wife, a lazy wife, a fat slob. This is real. When I feel that way about myself, all I want to do is crawl into a hole and give up. I start to make excuses about how when you start encroaching on 30 your metabolism slows down, it gets harder to keep off the weight. And that's true. I am mad that it's so much more work for me now than it ever was. I'm mad that I have to bust my butt to do what happens to T naturally. And I'm mad at myself for not being a natural at it.

If I were motivated from a healthy place, I would probably get a lot more done. This summer I stopped drinking beer because it seemed to be a major culprit of empty extra calories. But then the school year started. I've fallen off that wagon. It's hard to feel empowered and focused on the positive when there's a million deadlines hanging over your head and it feels like your future depends on each of them. I can't focus on more than one thing at a time: school reading, fellowship deadlines, keeping fit. These all require a lot of effort and I'm not in the habit of making any of them second nature. Right now, fellowship deadlines are #1. But after that? It'll probably be replaced by other job-searching efforts. And an endless litany of excuses for carrying around an extra 15 pounds will be sure to follow.

So instead of being motivated by feeling really on top of my game and wanting to take care of myself, I'm motivated by lingering glances and minute gestures that indicate my belly has not gone unnoticed. I'm motivated by shame and self-hate. And these are not very motivating factors in my experience. For some people they are extremely motivating: some people turn shame and self-hate into a militaristic regimine of dieting and brutal exercise that works wonders. That's really what I wish I could do. Turn my negative emotions into something productive. In moderation, it's probably a good thing. Better, at least, than wallowing, which is what I see myself as doing. Wallowing with the occasional fitful attempt at getting off the couch. But like a half-finished course of antibiotics, partial attempts at exercise inevitably make the malaise harder to beat. Sure, you're up and running one night, or even one week. But eventually you stop. And the next time you want to get up and try again, you remember how you failed the last time, which once again raises the volume of that little voice in your head saying, "What's the point? You always give up eventually." Until eventually that little voice is the only thing you can hear, and it's all but insurmountable.

I think I need a support network.

One year of marriage down, one dress size up

I've now been married for over 1 year. Whoop! I'll write more on that when I finally (FINALLY, c'mon!) have our professional wedding pictures. We've been putting that off for, well, over 1 year. Suffice it to say that T & I escaped to the shore this weekend to toast ourselves at a beachside restaurant and draw love notes in the sand. We fondly reminisced about our Spanish honeymoon and vowed to go back again soon. My favorite part of the weekend was searching for seashells to complete the fins and eyes of a sea creature that T & I were constructing on the empty coastline of a wildlife reserve. Joint projects with T are always so much fun (and romantic)!

Um, but yeah. On to other things.

I vowed over the weekend, as I munched on floppy McDonald's french fries during our drive back to the Big City, that I would eat only fruit for the next week. Why fruit, I have no idea exactly. But it had something to do with the fact that over the past week I'd eaten two cheesecake slices in 24 hours, and over the course of one day had devoured cheesecake, cake, cookies and three types of cheese. Fruit just seemed like the opposite of that.

Monday rolled around and we didn't quite have the money to go grocery shopping yet. So I winged it. It is now Thursday and here is what I have eaten over the course of the last four day, in chronological order (more or less):

MON:
Blueberry yogurt
Roasted unsalted cashews
Fruit salad
A piece of fudge (from the beach!)
Tostones
Fried oreos (no comment)
Spinach salad with gorgonzola, dried cranberries and candied walnuts

TUE:
An orange
Roasted unsalted cashews
Half an avocado with lemon juice
Prunes
A banana
Spoonful of peanut butter
Brown rice and bean burritos (we were out of food!)
A piece of fudge

WED:
Apple croissant (whoops)
Blueberry greek yogurt
Wholegrain crackers
Figs with cheese and proscuitto
Homemade cheese pizza (...)

THU:
Granola
A banana
Prunes
Some free samples at Whole Foods...

And there ya have it. Believe it or not, this is the healthiest I've eaten in a long, long time. The trick is that when I slip up, I'm trying to get up and keep going. Onward and upward to a healthier lifestyle and just a couple inches lost around that middle!

Catching flies with vinegar

Aaaaaaaaand after two weeks of no beer, I broke my no-beer rule tonight. Wish I could say it was for something exciting, but it was just me, T and one of our Big City friends sitting around playing Settlers of Catan.

But wait - that's not what this post is about. This post is to give BIG UPS to my bloggy buddy, Law School Wife, for inspiring me to clean the bathroom and completely scrub my kitchen from head to toe this weekend! It may not have been the most exciting weekend in the history of weekends, but I definitely feel very accomplished :) So, thank you, LSW! You rock!

I spent most of this day with my laptop tuned into K95, mixing vinegar and baking soda, and wiping disgusting olive oil leaks from our formica countertops, trying to ignore the little mice poops I discovered all along the wall that was hidden by the microwave oven and coffee maker. Yuck! My reward to myself was to plan a game night, to just have people over and play Taboo or Scrabble or something... But nobody came, and T and I had to eat all the bean dip and homemade honey-mustard pretzel dip ourselves. He said I should quit feeling sorry for myself because I didn't actually plan anything, which is true. And to make me feel better, he disappeared to the bedroom and reappeared a few minutes later wearing a "cowboy" shirt and too-tight jeans. Who could resist? I had to smile, and then beat his behind in Bananagrams.

That's when our friend appeared, buzzing in to our apartment and arriving just in time to finish off the pretzels and school us both in Boggle.

All in all, it was a nice laid-back night, made especially good by my husband's efforts to cheer me up, Pandora's excellent Kenny Chesney playlist and a few beers. And even though I'm feeling guilty about the calories and my little beer gut, there's a little thing called Zumba that will be whipping me back into shape come tomorrow at 5:30 p.m. So there!

Quick hit

I just wanted to say that I've been back on the running program, and this time I got T on board. I gave him crap for complaining that I was going out for a run the other night, and apparently I talked him into tagging along. So now, it looks like we might be running buddies! There is something exhilerating about coming back in from a run. I think the tricks are to:
1) Just do it (cliche or no, it's true)
2) Set a goal ahead of time (1 mile)
3) Make it reasonable (alternate between walking and running)
4) Make it into a project (spend 30 minutes mapping out your tiny route ahead of time)

Can't wait to tell you, dear diary, all about my new job! But for now, sleepy time.

Too many hands to count.

I did my run yesterday! I'm soooo proud of myself. It was actually a walk/run switching off every 100 meters (or about 1 city block).

On the other hand, I did not get my lazy behind out the door and over to the social security office so I could get a replacement card, so I could get a new drivers license, so I can drive down to Virginia tomorrow without having to worry about the legality of my being behind the wheel of a car. Looks like my trip home will involve $10 and a wait in the "replacement card" line at the DMV.

On the other hand, I did make arrangements for T's birthday evening, which (if all goes according to plan) will involve delicious food, a bottle of wine, good friends and an evening at the cinema (or "big tape" as T calls it).

On the other hand, I'm broke, so I couldn't buy T the present I wanted to get him. I would write more about that, but on the (very) off-chance he reads here before the end of the night, I wouldn't want to spoil anything ;)

On the other hand, I will be starting work soon and getting the paycheck I so desperately need.

On the other hand, it's work study funds. So, in other words, not much.

On the other hand, I have been kicking butt at this cash-flow report which tracks all of our income and expenses. I love love love to do it. Maybe because it gives me a badly needed sense of control over an area of my life (ahem, $$) that appears to be bleeding out while I stand helplessly watching.

On the other hand, yeah. Money.

On the other hand... love. Love is playing cards for hours around the kitchen/dining room/living room table, listening to weird Swedish country-western music and laughing at one another. Watching a documentary on art in advertising on the Wii. Sharing a fake ham and avocado sandwich. Making the bed. Messing up the bed. Waking up early to make breakfast. All those little things that make me forget about money. It makes up for the other hand.

Ahem. On the other hand, speaking of love, I need to go clean the kitchen before T gets home.

Lightening bug days

Saw the first lightening bug of the summer today! First lightening bug of the summer is always a quietly joyous occasion for me. I smile inside whenever I first catch sight of the glowing green dots, and for a moment I'm transported back to the cul-de-sac of my childhood neighborhood... bikes on kickstands...fireworks, sparklers, a ride around the block in my neighbor's shiny convertible...high school buddies crowded together to celebrate my July birthday... summertime.

Tomorrow, among the various chores I have assigned myself, I am also going to start a running regime. I want to train to run a race, so I can cross another off my list of 30 Before 30. It doesn't hurt, too, that I forced an admission out of T that he would like me to lose some weight. I forced this admission from him because I know I've put on weight, about 15 pounds that have stuck with me since fall of the year I turned 25, to a total of about 20 pounds since college (give or take 5 pounds depending on the day). I want me to lose some of that weight. I want to stay attractive to my husband. And what's more attractive than self-esteem. Of which I've been severly lacking as the months turn into years and my hips and belly continue to expand more rapidly than the rest of me. And it's just hard to snap out of denial and face reality when you've got a husband telling you he loves you no matter what, he doesn't notice, he thinks you look great, etc. All of which may be true. But I still need certain cold, hard truths. Do you wish my stomach wasn't quite so protruding? You do? Ok, good. Now I know. And by the way, so do I. I'll work on that. It's part of the radical honesty that we promised one another when we took our wedding vows. I appreciate that I can count on it when I ask for it.

This weekend was a semi-success in moderation. An old friend visited for the night on Saturday, which also happened to be the night a new friend had rented a local church bowling alley for his annual Beers & Bowling party. Come on, that's awesome, right? Bowling in a church with a keg of Lionshead and tables upon tables of air hockey and foosball for the conquering. So, Saturday night, I went a little big. But considering I spent the entire day just watching the scenery at Big City's Biggest Block Party, where street vendors were serving vodka-spiked popsicles and every man, woman and child grandparent in the city was toting around a plastic cup of PBR, I'd say that a few beers after the sun goes down made for a pretty quiet Saturday. Aside from that, I mostly played Bananagrams on Facebook (my new obsession), enjoyed the weather and ate lots and lots of pizza while trying to understand the rules to a game that involves a bunch of grown men knocking a strange ball into the neighbors' windows with sticks. Oh, and T and I started Big Love. So psyched!