Tuesday, April 21, 2009

today i feel like getting away

i am actually posting at school. for the first and (probably) last time. i hate to even acknowledge this blog's existence while i am at school because i am that paranoid. not that i have deep dark secrets on here or anything. i just really hate opening up without having some measure of control over who i am opening up to. ironic, then, that i have a blog in the first place, right? but oh well.

i got to school 15 minutes late for class and decided not to bother going. i had to turn in a late application for grant money so that i can hopefully get a little money this summer to supplement T's income. otherwise, there's a good likelihood i'll blow through my savings far too soon. i am definitely undercapitalized this year. but anyway, that's why i am sitting here in the completely empty student lounge, typing a blog entry on a computer that is dangerously close to exposing my online persona to anyone who would happen to sit down next to me. but nobody comes here, at least not before noon, so i'm cool.

there is something blissful about finding a quiet place at the law school, especially around this time of the semester when things are getting hectic and i realize i've turned into one of those people that can't be bothered to talk to others. but it's more than needing to study. i really feel this strong urge to be alone right now. when i was waiting for the train to come, i was staring at the map in the station and had this fantasy flashed before my eyes where instead of getting off at my stop, i just kept riding the train northward and getting off at a different place i'd never been to explore the outskirts of the Big City with my backpack and a clear conscience. i feel so overwhelmed.

sometimes i think law school was a huge mistake. not because i don't like studying the law. i love it. it's just the toll it's taking on my mental health is a lot higher than i expected, and it's taxing on my relationships too. not just with T, although that's the one i'm most aware of and fret about the most. i got my first rejection the other day -- it was a rejection for a slot on the Jessup International Moot Court. kind of disappointing, but all and all not the worst news i could have. the academic challenges are so much more manageable to me, with their sterile ups and downs, than the challenges of interacting with people. i can't put a finger on it, but i feel unhappy and insecure. they say that law school does a number on your self-esteem. but that's supposed to be about how bad your grades are, or because you might not make law review. it's not supposed to be because you feel alienated from everyone around you.

i'm exaggerating. but the truth is that i feel like a hermit. not because i really like to be alone to the exclusion of all else. just that i don't feel like i like myself much right now, and prefer to hide out. there's no real reason why. sometimes i go through periods like this. i try to wait them out, especially as they are often linked to my menstrual cycles. but for the time being, i'm just feeling pessimistic. i'd rather be riding the northbound train to a place i've never been than headed back to the law library to read about civil procedure. maybe it would give me something more interesting to talk about.

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