Giving thanks after it's over

Thanksgiving was hard, even though it's been enjoyable. For one, my parents haven't been talking for months. And they were staying with us for three days. And we all had plans to spend an evening with T's parents. Who get along great. That evening actually went very well. Dads chatted amicably and moms made polite conversation. But that was the pretty easy part of the holiday. The harder part has been to remind myself how thankful I am of everything, when I feel bogged down, worn out and overworked. I've been on a roller coaster ride of sugar highs and exhausting dips in energy, hardly able to think about the work I have to do to get ready for finals. But the whole time, it's been looming in my head, and last night, my friend from law school casually mentioned that our first exam is Thursday. It's a pass / fail class, but I haven't cracked the book since the first class in August. So, I have a TON of work to do. And, I'm just now, at 4 pm on Saturday, sitting down to do it. My post-memo glee was fun but I think I let it go on a little too long. It's time to get back to work. And so, you see, I am too focused on the day-to-day to focus on the bigger picture. That forest is around here somewhere...

Here are some things I'm thankful for:

- A partner (T) who is supportive and affectionate and has a great sense of humor.
- A dog (E) that is sweet and snuggly and provides a quick reason to smile.
- Parents that love me very much.
- A brother that is one of my best friends and someone I can always turn to.
- My best friend (F) who I've shared so many milestones in life with, and who is excited to share her pregnancy journey with me, the honorary aunt-to-be.
- The opportunity to go to law school, which is my ticket to a fulfilling career and a flexible family life.
- The health of my parents, my friends and family, T, E and myself.
- Our safety at a time when the world seems to be falling apart.
- T's job, which is sustaining us through a difficult economy and tight budget.

The list probably could go on. I am thankful after all.

Needing a drink

Is it bad that I want nothing more than to drink heavily tonight? The reason: I feel trapped. By my memo, that is. There is no escaping this weekend without getting through it. For a while, I was able to weasel my way around it, tricking it into thinking I had paid it some attention. Log into LexisNexis, sheppardize a few cases and presto! I put in my work for the night! Now.... oh, now. I can't even finish that thought. I have to get back to work.

Wow, I sound so self-important. This is not a big deal to anyone except me. I need to keep repeating that to myself.

One meme, and then memo time...

I've seen this one going around. I think I'm supposed to hit random on my i-Tunes for an answer to each question:

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"Lay Low" (My Morning Jacket)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"Eres (You)" (Cafe Tacuba)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Tattoo" (Jordin Sparks)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"Landslide" (Fleetwood Mac) (okay, this is really scary...)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Te Quiero (I love you)" (Monchy y Alexandra)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"With You" (Chris Brown)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Fantasias (Fantasies)" (Monchy y Alexandra)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Promising Light" (Iron & Wine)

WHAT IS 2+2?
"Breathe Me" (Sia)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"No ha sido facil (It hasn't been easy)" (Monchy y Alexandra)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Muddy Hymnal" (Iron & Wine)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Coat of Many Colors" (Dolly Parton)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Hoja en Blanco (Blank Sheet)" (Monchy y Alexandra)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"I Love It" (DJ Drama & Young Jeezy)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"If You're Going Through Hell" (Rodney Atkins)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Como Duele El Frio (How The Cold Hurts)" (Los Gigantes de Vallenato)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Joshua" (Dolly Parton)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Back Home" (Dolly Parton)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Perfect" (Smashing Pumpkins)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"In the Good Old Days" (Dolly Parton)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"Bird Stealing Bread" (Iron & Wine)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Tres Palabras (Three Words)" (Binomio de Oro)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"Top Back (remix)" (T.I.)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"La Ingrata (The Ingrate)" (Cafe Tacuba)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"Niña Bonita (Pretty Girl)" (Binomio de Oro)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"Off the Record" (My Morning Jacket) (hahaha...)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
"I'm Going to Jackson" (Johnny Cash & June Carter)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"Cumbia Poder (Cumbia Power)" (Celso Peña)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Dare You To Move" (Switchfoot)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"No Me Queda Nada (I Have Nothing Left)" (Juanes)

You are not alone.

I have decided to do this post for three reasons:
1) To justify my last "post", which was really just one long temper-tantrum about school.
2) Because it's more fun than working on my memo.
3) It might amuse you.

So, explanations aside, here are some recent blog posts I have come across from other law students of various sizes, shapes and colors, who are all struggling at this point in the semester. Fun all around!

In no particular order...

Oh look! Another hand waving for help, another body frantically splashing in the turbulent sea of memo! And a great blog name, to boot! (Laughing: With or At You)

I am so happy that I am not the only person who is driven crazy by little noises in the library (or anywhere else). I'm also pleased that when the word "inchoate" is used in a sentence, I actually know what it means! Fun in the library, part 1. (Terra Nullius)

Q. What would I rather be doing than working on my memo? A. Writing this blog post. Follow-up Q. What would I rather being doing than writing this blog post? A. Taking a nap. 1L babies need our naps! (Lawful Living)

There is this weird vibe going on in the library right now. When I get to school around 9:30 in the morning, it's starting to buzz. By noon, it's pretty much packed with gum chewers and coffee slurpers. At 5, when I'm going home, the place is still in full swing, but there is a lot more slumping. We are like sardines, all packed together and not sure whether we like each other or not. Fun in the library, part 2. (Thanks, But No Thanks)

I have to remember that it's a lie, what they say about second year being better. Apparently it's just as cutthroat. Here's a scary story, that's also kind of hilarious in a "glad it didn't happen to me" sort of way. Bonus: it's in the form of a letter. Double bonus: ranting and raving on par with my last post! ([Useless Dicta])

Last class, Prof Crim asked a student, "What if the safe-cracker had retired?" Student says, "Wait--how does a safe-cracker retire?" It was hilarious at the time. Now, not so much. Weird thing about this post, the exact same conversation happened in one of my classes. (No. 634)

I'm glad I'm not the only one (not-so-secretly) coveting my classmates study skills. That's all I can say about this one. (A Woman In Law School)

And finally....

I found a nice little message of encouragement from one 3L. (Law School for Dummies)

Now, I have to go. I've got a 5,000 memo to write!

Feel like I'm drowning

Not to get all graphic, but you know how you can drown from the inside out? Well, I feel like that's what's happening to me, in some weird metaphorical sense. Every time I look at one of my casebooks (or at least the pages, as I've torn them out of the binding and stuffed them into notebooks) I feel a wave of nausea pass over me. I sit down to read and instead feel an overwhelming compulsion to play Uno Freefall on my cell phone. Or cry. Or scream and rave like a madwoman. Or bake little mini peanut butter pies. Gah! I'm not getting anything done.

Here's the shitty thing. I'm sure I sound like a lunatic or a melodramatic mary to anyone (anyone?) reading this. I honestly cannot even explain to myself why I feel like I'm going crazy. But I just am. Going. Crazy. Of course this is just a rant, and I'm probably not all that miserable. I am kind of just giving in to the madness. But for real: I am spending my days surrounded by smart people whose noses haven't come out of the books since before Halloween. Today, I accidentally left all my relevant work at home, so I had to leave school by 1 pm. At the beginning of the semester, that would have been a cheery opportunity to "read" at home or in a coffee shop. But now, that kind of mistake just feels like the equivalent of chopping off my pinky toe, handing it to a classmate and saying, "Hey! Hang onto this for good luck. I'm sure you'll do great on exams! Maybe you can have MY scholarship money."

Irony of all ironies. I'm writing this instead of doing my reading for tomorrow. I just can't crack down like the rest of the loonies in this bin seem to be able to do. And it's driving me insane.

My dog ate my prozac.

So T took the dog to the park today with his brother. Apparently our dog got into a fight with his brother's girlfriend's cat. Fine. That's to be expected. They had a nice day out anyway, running around the woods and exploring creeks. I stayed home and got to eat a leisurely late breakfast at the diner and get some work done on my memo. When they came home, E looked utterly exhausted. He conked out on the floor, and we left to go grocery shopping. Came home. Ate dinner. Played a few rounds of Boggle. I came back to the bedroom/my office to "get back to work" and noticed some little blue pills laying all over the bed. Now, I was up all night writing in pain from horrible cramps that wouldn't subside for four hours. But those pills were NOT the ones I was popping from 6 am to 10 am. No, they were my brand new 10 mgs, fresh from the school psych services, in powdery dust on the bed. (Okay, only one of them was busted, but still.) So apparently my dog is depressed. He is laying cozily on his bed right now, no doubt dreaming all happy thoughts. And I am wondering how to explain to my new scrip-writer that I am out of pills a few days early.

Friday night nice

Yesterday I carried my backpack all around the city, because T met me halfway between our apartment and the subway station so we could go out for drinks after school & work. After staying late at school all week to try and get back to my original intention of treating it like a 9-5 job, I was really ready to unwind yesterday evening. T walks to work every day, cutting through the heart of the city and passing all sorts of cool things. He had noticed a bar that looked low-key and down-to-earth, so we decided to check it out. Turns out its incognito style had more to do with the fact that it was a gay bar than anything else, but it was perfect for getting that well-earned gin and tonic, plus a little general encouragement. (Sample exchange -- me: "what are your happy hour specials?" server: "YOU'RE special, honey.")

After a couple drinks, we were good and drunk, and walked all over the grid, kind of looking for places to eat and kind of just tottering around. Eventually, we made our way back to our own neighborhood, where we tried to eat at a hookah bar around the corner from our apartment. The menu posted in the window looked good, but inside the overwhelming smell of pachouli and raspberry-flavored tobacco was oppressive. All the patrons were literally draped across couches and the servers lacksidasically wandered to-and-fro. Nobody noticed we had sat at a table. T: "Should we give it five minutes?" Me: "Sure." (30 seconds later) T: "Two more minutes?" Me: "Sure." (10 seconds later) T: "Let's hurry up and get out of here, I think they're on to us." For some reason, the whole place felt like a bad drug trip. We sped out the door.

And we ended up at the Thai restaurant we ate at with T's family back in August after we had just moved here. It was awesome and delicious and was really a perfect way to get over a really long week. At the beginning of law school, administrators gave all sorts of speeches to the new class. In one of them, someone admonished us: "Midway through the semester you are going to have to work really hard to remember that the world does not revolve around you and law school." I am definitely guilty of getting wrapped up, or as T put it, always trying to keep my head in the books. But then there are great nights like yesterday, where I almost forget law school is even a part of my life. Thank God for nights like that.