the suspense is killing me

But I wasn't finished! I had so much left to do! There's so much left unspoken between me and my bar lecturers. I am fighting SO HARD against the urge to stay up all night cramming. So hard. I want to puke. Gah.

NaBloPoMo (Freaked-out 3L edition)

I just need an angel investor. Someone who will pay me a salary while I go around representing immigrants in deportation proceedings. I feel like a fool and an incompetent today. I've spent my whole legal career expecting that if I just want it enough I will find a way to get paid to do what I want. And now I see that it's either not likely or not recommended. I'm not supposed to go straight out and start practicing the law on my own. So I have to find an employer. None of the legal services organizations can afford to hire me. And I just got rejected for the fellowship I had the best chance of getting. So that leaves firm jobs. And that's okay. I'm not opposed on principle to working at a firm. It's just that if I had really expected to be applying to those places all along, maybe I would've put more effort into doing the things that make firm hiring attorneys want to hire you. And maybe I would've deigned to do OCI, or at least tried to get an interview. So now I'm just having a little freakout while my brother is here and I don't feel like I can get anything productive done about this mini-panic. I know this is going to take some focus, some elbow grease and some printer ink. And stamps. Lots of stamps. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

NaBloPoMo (bitchin' edition)

Things that drive me effing CRAZY:

- When my dude friends think that it's cool to make frat jokes because they're not in a frat. Newsflash: Nobody but you and your other dude friends (and maybe not even them) care about whether you think your best friend's sister is hot enough to have sex with. The girl who just walked by wearing a dress definitely does not care what you think about her appearance in said dress. And your insistence on referring to the attractiveness and/or "sluttiness" of every female public figure does in fact perpetuate the idea that women's value comes from their attractiveness and/or willingness to fit into the traditional female roles of madonna (pure mothering "good girl") and the whore (hot, sexy "bad girl") and not from their ideas, accomplishments and non-sexual skills. Quit calling yourself goddamn progressives when you're relying on the same damn concepts that have kept women as second class citizens for generations, the same damn concepts that continue to keep women in so many parts of the world as the property of their fathers and brothers and husbands. Just...don't. Or if you do, don't waste your breath telling me how "wrong" I am when I object to your fallacious flip ("women do it to us, too!"). And if you want to talk about how it's just "biology" so it's naive to get upset at your incessant chatter about the sex life or sexual value of this or that famous female, just stfu. And p.s. if you think you aren't getting manipulated by mass media into making sex the focal point of your evaluations of women, you are deluding yourself. And most of all, please don't bother speaking up about gay bullying when you are the first to comment on how slutty girls dress these days. You're only a few steps away from blaming the woman who dressed too provocatively for havin to pay for her rape kit.

p.s. I hope you all have daughters.

- Law students who think that because they're talking to another law student who (a) isn't at a Top 10 law school, (b) wasn't on law review and/or (c) hasn't got a job lined up in Big Law, they must be smarter, better and more deserving of their lot. It's bad enough that employers do this. I don't need it from some smug kid who hasn't even passed the bar yet. Not everyone places their priorities on the same things. It's about damn time law school recognized that.

Something doesn't sit right here

Bear with me. I realize I'm about to start sound like I'm defending a rapist. I absolutely do not condone violence of any kind, and least of all sexual violence. And I know this is not a popular position to take. But something about this case does not sit right with me.

In updating my other blog I came across the story of Alexis Ramirez, a 15-year old Mexican boy living in Liberty Township, Ohio. Alexis was convicted of felonious assault, aggravated robbery, aggravated burglary, two counts of kidnapping, three counts of rape and tampering with evidence. So what happened? The boy, then 14, allegedly broke into his 64-year old neighbor's home while armed with a pellet gun. At gun point, he raped her, drove her to an ATM and forced her to take out money, grabbed her purse and then ran.

I defend none, absolutely none, of those actions.

That said, I want to take a look at the timeline of the events at trial, to think about whether or not this minor got a fair shake within the justice system. Here goes...

March 19, 2010 - Transfer to adult court
Testimony in the hearing to determine whether Alexis was competent to stand trial as an adult focused on whether he was "beyond help." Two experts offer testimony - a psychiatrist from the county's forensic center and a local pediatrician who was also the county health commissioner.

Testimony Friday came from a forensic psychologist and local pediatrician on his chances of being rehabilitated in the juvenile justice system.

Dr. Kim Stookey, a forensic psychologist, testified that she met with Ramirez for more than an hour and subjected him to multiple tests.

She described his family environment as rife with alcohol and abuse. “He doesn’t like to speak with him (his father) when he’s sober, because he tends to be more irritable,” Stookey said.

She said during interviews Ramirez seemed “fixated” on the sight of blood — possibly even aroused by it.

(credit)

Prosecutor says this testimony proves he is beyond help and that it would be a waste of resources to send him to juvenile detention facilities. Then-defense attorney Traci Combs-Valero says “I don’t believe it’s a waste of resources to try to rehabilitate a 14-year-old.”

Citing the possibility that there may not be enough time to rehabilitate him, the Butler County Juvenile Court judge rules that Alexis Ramirez will be tried as an adult in the Butler County Court of Common Pleas. Ramirez, at 14, becomes the youngest criminal defendant to be tried as an adult in Butler County.

April 28, 2010 - Grand jury indictment
Alexis is indicited by a Butler County grand jury on charges of felonious assault, aggravated robbery, aggravated burglary, two counts of kidnapping, three counts of rape and tampering with evidence. The three rape charges are based on "three distinct places in the house" that Ramirez forced his neighbor to have sex with him, according to the prosecutor.

May 6, 2010 - Defense attorney withdraws, public defender appointed and enters plea of not guilty by reason of insanity
Traci Combs-Valero withdraws because she is not on the appointment list for the Court of Common Pleas and because Alexis' family does not have the funds to retain her. Court appoints David Brewer to defend Alexis. He enters a plea of not guilty by reason of insanity.

May 21, 2010 - Judge orders another competency evaluation

July 22, 2010 - Judge finds Alexis competent after testimony from same forensic psychiatrist
Dr. Stookey makes a reappearance after she evaluated Alexis for the second time. Testifying to his competence to stand trial, she says:

[S]hortly after his arrest, Ramirez spoke of demons, aliens, UFOs and “ghosts in his mind.” But in later evaluation, he had “calmed down,” leading her to determine his odd behavior and acting out in the juvenile detention center was due to immaturity and stress rather than a mental illness.
While Ramirez understood the criminal proceedings against him and is capable of assisting with his own defense, Stookey testified he told her “he gets nervous during court appearances and does not listen.”
Brewer questioned whether Ramirez could participate in his defense if he shut down and did not pay attention.
“There is a difference between having the capacity to do something and choosing not to do so,” Stookey said. “He certainly has the capacity to pay attention and listen.”
Stookey said Ramirez is of low average intelligence, with some tendency toward being oppositional or defiant.
“He likes to irritate people, get them going,” she said.

(credit)

August 20 - Alexis pleas no contest to all charges
He has apparently admitted to committing the crime. Continued news coverage mentions that he allegedly told a police detective that he guessed he had to "pay the price for having a little fun."

October 8 - Alexis is sentenced to 28 years in prison
Prior to sentencing, Alexis says, “I hate myself...People look at me as a monster. They have every right to. I’m guilty and whatever you give me, I’ll do it.”

The judge asks him what motivated him to commit the crime. He says, “I thought she would be scared and give me all her money...I don’t know what made me do all that.”

The victim, however, later entered her own statement contesting his explanation: “I offered him a diamond ring and he didn’t take that. I offered him a charge card and he didn’t take that...He was there for sex.”

*******
Okay. Having spent like half an hour going back and forth trying to piece together that timeline, I've figured out what bothers me about these proceedings. First of all, there's no question that Alexis was the true perpetrator of whatever attack happened that night. He deserves to be brought to justice for his crimes.

Here are my problems:
He was bounded over from juvenile court to adult court on the basis of extremely flimsy testimony. The psychiatrist testified to two facts:
- That his father abused alcohol
- That the defendant was "fixated" on the sight of blood, "whether it was someone else's or his own."
The only basis that I could find for Dr. Stookey's belief was that he cut himself while he was in detention because he "wanted to hurt." Furthermore, I didn't see any indication that his prior counsel attempted to procure her own evaluation or even questioned the testimony of the two experts put on by the County.

Then, there's the fact that his attorney ditched him because he couldn't pay. But that's just the legal world and how things work. Money buys justice. So I won't dwell on that.

But it matters! Because, see, he goes to adult court where the very same psychiatric expert is ordered to evaluate him by the Common Pleas judge. And once again she gets on the stand and spouts off clearly biased testimony that does not in any way appear to be based on her scientific knowledge or professional experience. Instead, she sounds like she has a personal grudge against him. She literally explained away his "odd behavior and acting out" (including talking about demons and UFOs) as immaturity and stress. And the defense attorney did not challenge this! Then, after testifying that he gets nervous and doesn't always pay attention during proceedings, she says "there is a difference between having the capacity to do something and choosing not to do so." She goes on to talk about how he likes to irritate people and "get them going." Oh please, please, please... couldn't I have had the chance to cross-examine her? Because seriously.

Lady, you say he likes to irritate people? He must've irritated you. He really got you going. You didn't like his personality. You thought he was defiant. You said he was oppositional. Those are psychiatric terms of art, aren't they? Oppositional defiant disorder is a psychiatric condition. A juvenile psychiatric condition, right? But he doesn't have a psychiatric condition. He's just irritating.

Okay, which is it? He has a mental disorder? Or you're biased because he pissed you off?

It's really messed up that the defense attorney couldn't get a non-biased psychaitric evaluation or any other person on the stand to testify to his character or at least his insanity defense. Or something. Because the way I see it, he wasn't very zealously represented, and there were a bunch of people there who had decided from the outset that he was an insalvagable, hopeless rapist. I just wonder... did a fourteen-year old kid really deserve to be sent to adult prison for twice the length of his life? Or maybe I'm just a trial defense nerd who is missing her calling.

In the Matter of S-G-

S.G., potential ghostwriter of 9th Circuit judicial opinions, is sending emails to her fellow HLS friends just to clarify that "hey! you guys! i'm not as NOT-RACIST as i came across at dinner! really! i am absolutely NOT convinced that 100 black babies would be as smart as 100 white babies if they all grew up together on Space Mountain."

Okay, okay. That's not exactly what she said. I mean, she didn't say "black," she said "African-American"! But, seriously, here's part of it:

"African Americans tend to have darker skin. Irish people are more likely to have red hair. (Now on to the more controversial:) Women tend to perform less well in math due at least in part to prenatal levels of testosterone, which also account for variations in mathematics performance within genders.

This suggests to me that at least some part of intelligence is genetic, just like identical twins raised apart tend to have very similar IQs and just like I think my babies will be geniuses and beautiful individuals whether I raise them or give them to an orphanage in Nigeria. I don’t think it is that controversial of an opinion to say I think it is at least possible that African Americans are less intelligent on a genetic level, and I didn’t mean to shy away from that opinion at dinner."

To read the whole thing, (click here.)

This woman is on Harvard Law Review and has a Judicial Clerkship in the 9th Circuit. And I'm not saying that a private e-mail she sent to her friends should disqualify her from those positions. It happens, as often does, that her offensive emails landed on a pair of eyes that didn't like what they saw, and someone took it upon him or herself to share what they read. The point... ahem

THE POINT is that there are so many people, so many very intellectually capable, white bright people, that go to law school and remain so IGNORANT of how basic concepts like ethnocentricty and socioeconomic status work. And so many of these people, sadly, never become AWARE... because you just don't need to know about racism* or privilege to do well in law school. You don't.

And considering the legal system is so deeply entrenched in privilege and social problems, that's just effing sad.

And by the way... a shout out to Above the Law. Because wow. This guy is for serious? Really?? Don't get me started on the commentary by America's next generation of Hot Shot Lawyers. (Sample: "Why is it fine to say that most African-Americans have better sprint times and are quicker, due to a higher proportion of Type II muscle fibers, and have bigger junk (come on, does anyone doubt this), yet it's not fine to acknowledge what decades of research have shown over and over again regarding African-Americans' IQs?")

* Or sexism or ableism or genderism or classism or any of the other -isms that Lat over at ATL think are so darn unhelpful to talk about in an academic debate

ETA: I took out the (publicly available) name of the person who wrote the email because I wish to focus on the culture of law schools, not the individual whose remarks sparked this particular controversy.

The petulant child & the sulking casebooks

You can't make me. Nobody can make me.

That's what the small child in my head seems to be pouting loudly at every responsibility thrown my way, over and over throughout the day. I swear the only reason I made it to class on time this morning is because I thought I was going a half-hour late.

Right now I am just so resentful of law school and all the endless nagging responsibilities it entails. "Write me!" demands the paper due on Tuesday. "Make me clever!" comes the cajoling voice of my cross-examination for tomorrow's mock trial. "Hey, don't forget about us over here," my dusty old casebooks cry from the corner of the living room, where they've gone untouched for days upon days (weeks?). Ugh. Leave me ALONE!

I determined that there are only two times I really don't feel stressed out or annoyed at the albatross necklace that is law school: 1) When I'm at work, where I feel like I'm actually producing actual product and being clever and there's a point to all of what I'm doing. 2) When I'm defending a motion or doing a cross examination for my trial ad class. (Not to be confused with preparing for trial ad class, which I don't do.) These are the times I feel pleased with myself. Otherwise, I'm just really effing annoyed or burying my head in the sand with Super Mario Wii, in which I've worked my way up to Level 7 of the Star World.

I'm mad at law school, and I wish law school would just get mad at me back and decide that I'm not worth it, and leave me alone. Grr.

scromph

i notice a lot of "om nom nom" on the internet these days. i like it. it reminds me of cookie monster. (that's supposed to happen, right?) but i tend to get annoyed when i realize a phrase is cool. like in high school when all of a sudden all my buddies indulged in a 5 second prelude to every sentence: "duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!" better known on the internet as, "d00d!" then later T got into calling everyone a "dump" and it was quickly picked up by his roommates (as most of his phrases are). it became the word of choice for making fun of friends around his house. flashforward some years and bro-in-law introduced us to the "epic fail" thanks to some friend's proclivity for hanging out on nerd-core message boards. (i am certain i just used the phrase "nerd-core" improperly just now.) next thing you know, everything is a FAIL. almost literally. i was once at a party a couple years ago in Richmond when i noticed this picture taped to my friend's refrigerator. it was an enormous (real!) walrus with a bucket looking ecstatic, with the caption, "I HAS A BUCKET!" and then another picture of a man taking the bucket and the walrus looking very upset and the caption, "NOOOOOOO!! THEY BE STEALIN MY BUCKET!" and i laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and seriously would not stop laughing the whole way home. the next day, i realized i was the last person on earth to have learned about lolcats.

how did i start talking about all this?

oh yeah. because i wanted to start a real blog post by mentioning the delicious sauted bananas i made for dessert tonight. my new thing is frying fruit. yum yum. and that's where this came from. because in my head, i literally heard a delicious noise and remembered there's a meme for that now: "om nom nom." except i don't want to say om nom nom. i want to say SCROMPH! because that's exactly it sounds like in my head. not the same ring to it, i know.

in other news, i did exercise today for 30 minutes. i think i read trust and estates for about the same amount of time. ah, early semester studying. it seems so easy and relaxed right now...*

*note: i am not on law review or any of the other major extracurriculars!

Who lies? You lie!

You know what? As amusing and obnoxious as it was that Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) shouted out at the President in the middle of his reassurance that (don't worry!!!) illegal immigrants will NOT receive health care under his plan....

As amusing and obnoxious as it was, and as tempting as it is to get my blood all boiled up, the fact is that I respect his right to do that. I remember it was really not that very long ago that I longed to be inside any given crowded, silent room with President Dubya, just so I could shout at him that he is a 'f@#*ing idiot'!! (Confession: I wouldn't have actually yelled at him, but I always was relieved when somebody was able to sneak in and shame him on my behalf. I got close enough a couple of times that I actually panicked and had to think about what I would do.)

So. Fine. Shout away.

I disagree with Ol' Fuss 'n' Feathers Wilson on his P.O.V. It's a stupid battle he's chosen. Obviously as long as there are rules that say you have to have a certain number and a certain ID to get certain benefits, there will be certain people creating, selling and using fake IDs and fake numbers in order to gain the benefit for themselves. It's inevitable that "illegals" are going to find a way to game the system if they really, really want to. And as long as there is rampant inequality and ginormous injustice in the way we do trade and the expectations and accountability we place on corporations, there are going to be unqualified people who really, really want to game the system to get a job here. Most aren't going to try their luck by using our health insurance. None that I know would even dare. Hell, they hardly have the trust in our system to call the cops when a guy holds a gun to their head and takes all their money and their son's bike.

God forbid an illegal immigrant get hit by a car, or choke on a hot dog, or sustain life-threatening damage to their lungs from working around pesticides, and they actually want care! Shit.

But I digress.

I totally, 100% support Joe Wilson's right to shout out. Yes, even at the President. I wouldn't make a habit out of it. I'd expect more from a U.S. Congressman. I agree it's irresponsible and sets a bad example. Anyway, if it were me, I'd find a way to get one of my prized interns to do the shouting for me. But, whatever. We live in 'Merica, folks. This is also part of our character, like it or not. I feel like I need a shower.

consolation prize

well, i got my ticket. finally. for a while it was starting to look like i might not even get it. an angel at delta airlines basically told me how to fuck with the system and get around their stupid $150 72-hour booking fee. the work around (which involved booking farther in advance and then switching my date) only saved me $50, but it took the fare down to just below the threshold of what i could afford in order to fly down to see my uncle this weekend. so, between my amazing cousin who gave me all those frequent flier miles and the woman on the reservation phone line who helped bring the cost within my reach, i am miraculously going to be able to fly to south america and back in one weekend. (assuming i have no problem at the passport office tomorrow.)

usually when i make this trip, i'm at my happiest. i love going down there to see my family. it happens so rarely and a piece of my heart is always there.

today, i just want to get shit-faced drunk. bring on the aguardiente.

Bronchitis

Warning! This is post is just a rant, ending in a hissy fit, that reflects my lack of sleep and overdose of self-pity, no more, no less. Read at your own risk.

So: I've been sick for the last seven days. It started on the train ride down to Georgia. I took a nap about two hours in, and woke up with a sore throat and swollen glands. It all went downhill from there. By the middle of the night, when I was supposed to be well into my write-on note, I was curled up under my blanket, shivering and sucking on ice cubes, trying to get comfortable in a packed Amtrak coach car. My mom picked me up when I got down to GA, at quarter to seven in the morning, and when we got to my sister's I went straight to the bedroom to crawl under covers. Needless to say, the trip was not what I had hoped for. And? I didn't finish write-on. Ugh. I'm not sure if I really care at this point. I'd settle for a good night's sleep.

Yesterday, I caved in and decided to go to an urgent care clinic instead of waiting til my school clinic (aka FREE clinic) opened after the holiday weekend. It was actually a not unpleasant experience. We had to drive across the bridge to the urban wasteland across the river, but T was kind enough to treat it like an adventure, when I was feeling guilty for making him spend his last day of the long weekend carting my miserable self into an unpleasant suburban ghost town. "Hey, look," he said, optimistically gesturing at the skyline as we drove over the bridge. "See? It's already exciting."

And I have to say, it was pretty exciting that we got into and out of the clinic in only 25 minutes. Plus, I was the only patient they had there. And since they'd only opened two weeks ago, it was incredibly clean. But the best part was that I came away with drugs. Precious, precious drugs. Antibiotics and cough medicine laced with codeine that I was warned would make me very "woozy". Considering I've been up all night coughing for the last seven days, that sounded fan'effing'tastic.

I wonder what it says about me that the codeine didn't knock me out?

Anyway. Today I was determined to *not* lay on the couch all day working on my night cheese and farting into my slanket. So I dragged myself over to campus for my monthly visit with the school psychiatrist to re-up my Prozac. In the course of our meeting, I explained to him that I wanted to "bump" my dose up to pre-law school levels. (What the hell was I thinking, by the way, dropping my dose when I started law school?) We had talked about that last month, but at the time I wanted to give it another month to be sure.

So I'm running through the litany of complaints I have, which I always feel self-conscious about doing, because as anyone who has struggled with low-level chronic mental health issues can tell you, it starts to be unclear whether these things are symptoms or just, well, life. And the doctor says to me, "So you feel bad about yourself?" And I'm like, "well, yeah. Well, sometimes. It gets worse at certain times." And then he delivers the kicker: "Because I've never seen you feeling happy in here." Or something like that. Thus making me want to jump up in his face and insist that I AM a happy person, that I DO like myself, that I'm NOT always bummed out, that I haven't slept for more than 2 consecutive hours in ONE WEEK, etc. etc. And of course, if I were to do all that, it would only make me look more crazy/angry/unhappy or whatever.

I got my higher dose. But he wants me to consider going back to therapy if it doesn't do the trick. For some reason, this pisses me off. But then again, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Apparently it's in my nature.

Jim Goodman

Who is Jim Goodman and why did he put on such a shoddy prosecution? What the hell happened? I'm still pissed about this.

Here's a great summary of the trial at the outset. Before people knew it was going to end so quickly with "simple assault" as the most serious charge against a couple of guys who jumped this Mexican immigrant, sucker punched him and left him with his brains seeping out of his skull.

nnnnyyyyyyyyyrrrrrrrrrr...PSSSSHHHH!!!

okay, if you sound it out correctly, my blog entry title should sound precisely like the noise of a jet engine crashing and burning. because that is what i did. all. day. and the worst part? my exam is still here. with me. living inside my computer. all i have to do is suddenly KNOW con law, and i could fix it all up. right now. except.. it's a little late for that, folks. so, instead, i'm blogging at one in the morning, one hour after leaving the library in a state of confused resignation. (wasn't it just five o'clock?) in the morning, i will wake up, re-read what i wrote, try not to panic, and then print it out in a hurry so that i can turn it in on time. at least i have a one-up on last semester's memo. this time i've checked the word limit before five minutes before i have to walk out the door. score one for me.

law school crazy

I'm maybe turning into a law school monster. I'm mad. Here's why. Because apparently 25 (twenty-five!) students got private seminar on tomorrow's take-home Con Law exam, from the man himself. All these study groups and random individuals were corralled into a seminar room to do a private Q & A with the professor about last year's take home, which fine, props to them for being on top of their game and able to discuss an old exam with the professor in time to get something useful out of it. That doesn't make it fair for all of them to get to pick his brain with questions about what he's looking for on tomorrow's test, does it? I used to think it was kind of annoying that my other professors would take up 10 minutes of class time answering unasked questions about the exam, simply because somebody dropped by her office at one point and said something that sparked a question. But now I see the point was to actually put us all on a level ground when it comes to what we know about the test.

And why would a professor who takes his cue from The Paper Chase do that? Why? Cue maniacal, desperate laughter.

And on top of all that, tomorrow we get the take-home and we aren't supposed to use supplements to help us. Only our outlines. Except this: For a great many of my classmates, the supplement is the internet. Specifically, wikipedia. And he never said we couldn't use Wikipedia, so... can we? I don't want to. But I don't want to be behind everyone else in my sources. I actually for half a second thought about how easy it would be to sabotage the Wiki with some fake holding or something... But no. I'm not devious. I'm just whiny.

Trying to take T's advice now. Remembering to breathe.

Reflections on this new phase

Well, I'm at the tail end of my spring break. Spring break in law school is not much like spring break in undergrad, that's for sure. It was fairly uneventful outside of the weekend trip that I took with T, his brother (BroLo) and brother's girlfriend (Girlf) to T's parents house. That was just a nice getaway, which involved a LOT of wedding planning and culminated in my being dropped off at my own parents' house on Sunday night in order to do even more wedding planning with my mom. I fear I am turning into that person who talks weddings all the time. (Did I mention that in my last post? Probably.) But, as I keep reminding myself, it has to be done. After all, I am the one who lobbied for an August '09 wedding, insisting that we'd have plenty of time.

Went shopping with my mom and aunt, and found a dress that I felt pretty confident I could turn into exactly the kind of dress I want for the ceremony. It's shorter... tea-length... and is actually a bridesmaid's dress that comes in white. I've never been one for gown-y wedding dresses, and couldn't ever tell them apart. But I did have a minor crisis of confidence when I tried on a David's Bridal gown that looked beautiful on me, and my aunt and mom were all like "ooh... you are stunning!" and I felt tempted to go the traditional route just for the positive reinforcement. But I'm trying to stick with my original idea, which isn't really all that out-there, and just make the choice and move on.

I also went and met with the caterer for the place we are renting, which is really an art gallery in a loft, but it's owned by a catering company. I was immediately impressed by the guy's list of various types of wedding dinners they've done (sushi stations, Salvadorean pupusas, empanadas, as well as more traditional fair). He also immediately had a bunch of ideas for fish that we could use, aside from or in addition to our salmoln idea. But then, when I told him we were having a fish/vegetarian wedding, with no meat or chicken, he got kind of cagey and tried to tell me that we needed to consider our guests and have at least one meat option for them. After reading online, I realize that this is a pretty common reaction from caterers, but at the time, I was pretty frustrated and annoyed, especially as I could see my mom nodding vigorously out of the corner of my eye. I talked about it with T when I got back up to the Big City and we decided we are going to stick to the vegetarian menu (it wasn't much of a decision, but I needed to hear his support in the face of opposition). So now, we are having to come up with cool vegetarian ideas for an hor d'oerves or buffet menu, so I can get them to my caterer for a proposal ASAP. Ideas welcome!

I'm getting pretty excited about this wedding, and most of all it's been a great way to ground myself in my life outside of law school for the last week. It's been nice to remember that we have this huge support network of friends and family who are excited to celebrate with us, and who are just generally around to talk to, and that not everything revolves around mid-semester hypos and brief drafts and study groups and black letter law. I'm so sick of school right now that I really just want to go through the motions and step back as much as I can without falling. I'm feeling frustrated with the fact that it feels like my life is on hold in some ways while we are up here in the Big City. For one, it sucks that we have only one income, thus we can't afford much in the way of a nice apartment and we are often spending beyond our means thanks to the higher cost of living. For two, I miss feeling like I have time to call friends or go on road trips or just take a leisurely stroll around the block with T after dinner (okay, that last one may have more to do with the cold weather). My leisure time is really just time I am spending procrastinating. I'm tired of feeling like all my down-time is just procrastination. For three, I don't like the split between my student life and my home life, or T's work life and his home life. That's a hard one to explain. I just remember T's dad saying before school started that we were going to be pulled in different directions for a while during this phase in our lives, and I understood him intellectually. Now I understand him in my gut. It's not that we aren't close, it's just that our individual lives are so different and uncoordinated right now, and that kind of sucks too. In short, law school makes me feel like I've lost a lot of control over my life. And I'm nothing if not a person who needs to feel in control of my surroundings. If that wasn't clear to me before (which it kind of was), it's certainly clear to me now.

You are not alone.

I have decided to do this post for three reasons:
1) To justify my last "post", which was really just one long temper-tantrum about school.
2) Because it's more fun than working on my memo.
3) It might amuse you.

So, explanations aside, here are some recent blog posts I have come across from other law students of various sizes, shapes and colors, who are all struggling at this point in the semester. Fun all around!

In no particular order...

Oh look! Another hand waving for help, another body frantically splashing in the turbulent sea of memo! And a great blog name, to boot! (Laughing: With or At You)

I am so happy that I am not the only person who is driven crazy by little noises in the library (or anywhere else). I'm also pleased that when the word "inchoate" is used in a sentence, I actually know what it means! Fun in the library, part 1. (Terra Nullius)

Q. What would I rather be doing than working on my memo? A. Writing this blog post. Follow-up Q. What would I rather being doing than writing this blog post? A. Taking a nap. 1L babies need our naps! (Lawful Living)

There is this weird vibe going on in the library right now. When I get to school around 9:30 in the morning, it's starting to buzz. By noon, it's pretty much packed with gum chewers and coffee slurpers. At 5, when I'm going home, the place is still in full swing, but there is a lot more slumping. We are like sardines, all packed together and not sure whether we like each other or not. Fun in the library, part 2. (Thanks, But No Thanks)

I have to remember that it's a lie, what they say about second year being better. Apparently it's just as cutthroat. Here's a scary story, that's also kind of hilarious in a "glad it didn't happen to me" sort of way. Bonus: it's in the form of a letter. Double bonus: ranting and raving on par with my last post! ([Useless Dicta])

Last class, Prof Crim asked a student, "What if the safe-cracker had retired?" Student says, "Wait--how does a safe-cracker retire?" It was hilarious at the time. Now, not so much. Weird thing about this post, the exact same conversation happened in one of my classes. (No. 634)

I'm glad I'm not the only one (not-so-secretly) coveting my classmates study skills. That's all I can say about this one. (A Woman In Law School)

And finally....

I found a nice little message of encouragement from one 3L. (Law School for Dummies)

Now, I have to go. I've got a 5,000 memo to write!

Feel like I'm drowning

Not to get all graphic, but you know how you can drown from the inside out? Well, I feel like that's what's happening to me, in some weird metaphorical sense. Every time I look at one of my casebooks (or at least the pages, as I've torn them out of the binding and stuffed them into notebooks) I feel a wave of nausea pass over me. I sit down to read and instead feel an overwhelming compulsion to play Uno Freefall on my cell phone. Or cry. Or scream and rave like a madwoman. Or bake little mini peanut butter pies. Gah! I'm not getting anything done.

Here's the shitty thing. I'm sure I sound like a lunatic or a melodramatic mary to anyone (anyone?) reading this. I honestly cannot even explain to myself why I feel like I'm going crazy. But I just am. Going. Crazy. Of course this is just a rant, and I'm probably not all that miserable. I am kind of just giving in to the madness. But for real: I am spending my days surrounded by smart people whose noses haven't come out of the books since before Halloween. Today, I accidentally left all my relevant work at home, so I had to leave school by 1 pm. At the beginning of the semester, that would have been a cheery opportunity to "read" at home or in a coffee shop. But now, that kind of mistake just feels like the equivalent of chopping off my pinky toe, handing it to a classmate and saying, "Hey! Hang onto this for good luck. I'm sure you'll do great on exams! Maybe you can have MY scholarship money."

Irony of all ironies. I'm writing this instead of doing my reading for tomorrow. I just can't crack down like the rest of the loonies in this bin seem to be able to do. And it's driving me insane.

looking for the forest

yes. that is what i feel. burnt out. glancing at my reading this afternoon literally made me queasy. and i keep nodding off and waking up with this throbbing pain behind my left eye. i feel like i'm back in elementary school, finding myself resenting everything i need to do to keep up. it's relentless.

and at the same time, i think i'm glad to be here still. as long as my personality and my life outside of law school can survive this, i just have to keep on trucking. but as someone else noted on a message board i was reading a few moments ago, "law school has long lost its glamor."

2008 Election Day eve

Tomorrow, the United States will vote for its 44th president. I believe and hope that the winner of that election will be Barack Obama. No matter who wins, this election marks a new era for the American people. We finally get to leave behind the 8 years that brought us a botched response to the most horrific terrorist attack I hope I'll ever see in my lifetime, the deaths of thousands of US soldiers, a sham war in Iraq, a disintegrating battle in the hills of Afghanistan, on-line beheadings, American citizens dying in their own homes and hospitals as FEMA utterly failed to rescue New Orleans from a predictable disaster, skyrocketing health care premiums and inadequate coverage rendering insurance nothing more than a mediocre coupon in the face of the crippling cost of care, neighborhood streets lined with foreclosure signs, a collapsing economy that is dragging an entire generation's retirement funds down with it.... Sadly, the list goes on.

I'd like to see a movie where someone goes back to 2000 with the mission of keeping George W. Bush from getting elected.

Tomorrow, from the opening of the polls to the counting of the precinct results, I'm going to be an official poll watcher at a "super-site" in a primarily African-American urban neighborhood in this enormous swing state of ours. They say that the lines will be long, morning, noon and night, and that this is the "perfect storm" for election problems. I'm excited to be on the front lines, watching the first voters stream in, watching people vote for the first time, watching ballots being cast for the first major black presidential candidate, watching those ballots get counted up at the end of the day, and then, hopefully, watching the election of 2008 get called for Barack Obama as the next President of the United States.

i'm calling this day quits

god bless my heart, i tried my darndest but i just couldn't quite get it done.

i've learned a lesson though. when a memo is due in two days, and i sit down in front of the computer and vow to myself to get it all done, and then i don't, it's not because i'm not working hard enough. t helped me to realize this yesterday when after several hours of attempting to concentrate (and, okay, one beer) i flopped myself down on the floor and he commented on how hard i was working. "no i'm not," i muttered. and as i heard my words, i realized how ridiculous they were. yes, i am. i am working damn hard. i'm working my ass off, actually. i'm just not getting where i need to be. and why? because i'm not working smart.

i had no excuse for waiting until two days before a memo was due to crack down on it. not that this is any new trend. it's just that in college, like in high school, it was no big thing to stay up all night working on a paper. i mean, yes, it was a pain. but it was a pain from which i could easily recover. this, though. this is me looking down at a future in law and realizing that if i don't get my act together, this is the kind of stress i'll be putting on myself my whole working life. it's unnecessary. i feel a different kind of incentive to change my strategy. now, i just hope i can get my act together to actually put it into practice.

tomorrow, when i turn in my memo, i'll get the next assignment. that one will be graded. that's when i'll get to put the pedal to the metal and get things done for america. i mean, for me. whoops. for a second there, i fell asleep.

It hurts to read

I think the person who wrote this trash should be deported along with every illegal. Especially the ones in the article. I don't feel sorry for any of them. They are like roaches. And, they have the audacity to act like they belong here. I would stop every one of them and if they were here illegally I would incarcerate them. NOT give them a ticket back to Mexico. Maybe we should be fighting in Mexico instead of Iraq. We made a big mistake. It is time to correct it. (Nezram)

This, and the items that follow, are fairly standard comments for any article on the Washington Post that references Latinos and the issue of immigration. The User Names of the people posting them are in parenthesis. I just want people to see the kinds of horrific things that are being said every day about immigrants (Latino and other), and about my family's culture. It really does hurt to read.

It's why we have rules folks, to keep everyone behaving the same way...if you can't play by the rules, you can't play in the game. Penalty box for you! Friggin bleeding heart liberals are driving the country down - Oh poor enrique, he had to come across the river and hop a fence to get here. Well if he had followed the rules he could have come across and stayed dry, and not suffered scrapes on that there fence..... (bohdi12@yahoo.com)

Isnt it amazing how these ILLEGAls writing on this forum claim they made our economy thrive.( It was doing fine before you crawled accross our borders)If you are such great workers why cant you go back and make your own countries economy thrive. You cant thats why, Go home and demenstrate in the streets, hold ralleys,fly your flag upside down under a US flag, demand all kinds of benifits you dont deserve. It is because you know what whould happen to your cowardly AZZes, So you come here where the bleeding heart liberals will protect you. Guess what the Tide is turning so keep on writting, you are just building up more resentment. I am all for LEGAL immigration and these people deserve all the benifits this country offers. ILLEGAS DESREVE NOTHING (MyWord)

I have to say when I read this article this morning I was so happy. Knowing these leeches are moving out just made me tingle all over. Mexican illegals have been a scourge on our society. Their filthy, smelly thieves. They don't work hard and tax our system and make everything more expensive for the rest of us. Adios NotAmigos! (Vinnieceskins)
Good! Good riddance!! All you drunken, flop-house-living, gang-banger, crime-infested, take-jobs-from-real-Americans, protest-under-the-mexican-flag-waving, hispanic illegals are not welcome here. Get out!!! (JoeyJoey)

If you are legal in this country then you should be with the americans who gave you that freedom, I do not care if the illegals hatched golden eggs, they have totally trashed every neighborhood they occupied, they are a disgusting uneducated culture, even people who are mentally challenged can learn to pick up after themselves and learn some manners, there is no excuse for their behavior, americans are tired of watching this, overcrowded houses, urinating in public, drunk in public, drinking and driving with no license, domestic violence, 12 cars parked on the front lawn, blasting music, prstitudes and pimps, gang members and drug dealers. This is our country and we fought all the wars to keep our freedom, not to be invaded by 20 million illiterate people, we, our children, are not safe with illegals walking around. If they are smart they will just go home, it is better than being held in a detention center. (HighwayBlueSoccer)

The words "Latino subculture" say it all. The Latinos don't and never did want to assimilate in our country. They don't want to learn the language, (I'm so tired of having the Spanish pushed on me from every venue from phone menus to food packaging that I could scream). (Hernova)

And yes, I realize that this makes up a small minority, and yes, I realize that most of these posters can't spell, and yes, I realize that I should probably just stop listening. And yes, thank God, there are plenty of people who don't share the above points of view.