Friday, August 28, 2009

Friendships, accountability and phone chargers

I'm pretty happy right now. It feels good to say that. School is back in session and I like my classes. The reading is substantial but interesting. Even reading about the State Action doctrine is not miserable, because I am realizing that I learned a lot more about the Constitution than I thought. It feels good when concepts come together and things start to click.

Mostly, I'm happy because I'm getting to live life at a pace that's a little more manageable for me. T & I went over to T-Bro's house last night to drink wine with T-Bro and my GF-in-law/classmate (GFILC). GFILC and I spent the evening looking at her photos from our wedding along with a bunch of other pictures she had on her computer, while T and his bro sat on the roof, wacky dancing and making jokes. It was a good time. The day before, some of my law school friends and I met for cheap drinks and food at a bar around the corner from my house, before we walked up to see Best Man's band play at a park.

When it comes to socializing, I've always been the most content simply sitting in a room full of people that I like and feel comfortable with, watching the interactions among everyone else, and appreciating the moment. I feel nervous opening myself up through deeper levels of conversation, so I think I come across as boring sometimes because I close myself off. That is why I identify as an introvert even though T and many of my friends would laugh at that classification. Anyway, I am thinking about that because at the same time that I have been enjoying being around people and simply living a more normal version of life, I have also lost and failed to replace my phone charger for the umpteenth time this year. It's getting to the point where I am worried about my reasons for being a bad phone-keeper-upper. I check my voice mail about once a month. I am sporadic about returning phone calls. I get a pit in my stomach when I think of all the people I need to get in touch with. Yet, I love and care for so many people. I want to maintain my connections and friendships. I go back and forth in my attempts to understand this part of myself: Am I lazy and selfish? Am I pushing people away and setting myself up to be rejected, the way some people break up with a partner to avoid being broken up with first? Am I just making excuses for myself? I want to be held accountable for my actions but I am afraid of hearing criticism. This is all a part of what I mean when I say I want to be a better friend.

Anyway, long digression aside, I really truly do have reading to do before my 1:30 class. I got majorly distracted. So, I must return. And then, maybe, if I can step up, I'll drag my ass to a Verizon store and buy a new charger. And then, I can start returning the calls I've been failing to make since I got back from my honeymoon a week ago. (Has it only been a week?) If I'm feeling ambitious, I'll even check voicemail.

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