can't help genetics

i'm feeling sad, though i don't exactly know why. something feels off... wrong. i'm dealing with a prescription issue again, since i have yet to schedule my appointment with the school doctor. i miss having regular appointments in va, when i never had to worry about getting a refill because i could count on seeing the doc on the regular. this time it's all so ad hoc and i get so distracted because it's such a minimal part of my life (a fifteen minute appointment to get a new scrip once a month, theoretically). conferences with professors, brief deadlines, make-up classes, and plain old forgetfulness have gotten the better of me, not to mention i think my general semi-conscious avoidance of the non-routine. i just hate feeling like things aren't the way they're supposed to be, and that's how i feel right now. i would expand on that idea, but i don't think it would be an honest reflection of my thoughts and feelings. the problem with being in poor mental health is that it affects your fundamental conception of reality in a way that can deceive you into believing the worst things. at its worse, this misconception of reality can lead to hurting oneself or worse. but even on a mundane level, it affects your simplest choices: how to interpret a look, what to eat for dinner, when to go to bed. all of these things in turn feed into your ability to feel good. you stay up all night surfing the internet, get poor sleep and feel worse the next day. you eat junk food for lunch, blood sugar spikes and you're cranky the rest of the evening. you make a joke to a colleague, who doesn't laugh, then worry all afternoon that you've offended them. that's how depression and other mental illnesses feed into themselves. for me, i'm lucky that i only have a serotonin issue that appears to be regulated to my menstrual cycle. and i'm lucky that this issue responds to medication. but none of that matters if i'm not taking care of myself. on top of the poor choices that come with this situation, there are the actual chemical reactions - the anger, impatience and exhaustion that swoops in at unexpected moments and so often overpowers the will. i don't like it, but though i can't help genetics and i am grateful that i know the way out.