Rejoining the world

It's been a while since I had a working phone. Mine died the night my grandmother did. T and I were watching a movie, and don't ask me what it was. I got a call from my mom, telling me that my grandma had passed away. She sounded numb and calm. I asked if there was anything I could do; if she wanted me to call my brother. She said that would be a big help. I felt glad to be able to do something.

When I called him, my brother was on the roof of somebody's house. He lives across the country, so it wasn't that late where he was, and they were partying. He couldn't hear me well. "Grandma died," I said. "What?" he replied. "Hang on, I can't he--"

We lost reception. I was agitated. I called back. "Sorry, what were you saying?" my brother asked me. "Grandma... she's pass--" The phone cut out again, and I heard the blood pounding in my ears.

I called a third time. "Hey." "BRO, Grandma died!! She died!" Click.

I slammed the phone down onto the floor. "God DAMMIT!" was all I could say. I called him back and this time his voice was somber. He'd heard me. We got off the phone quickly. There was nothing more to say, really.

That was nearly a year ago.

Ever since then, my battery stopped holding a charge. Recently, it stopped working even when plugged into the wall. So I finally ordered a new phone, only to discover that all this time I'd been paying insurance on the broken phone. T reminded me that I had been so proud of my "responsible decision" to purchase insurance, citing all the dog-eaten, busted and lost phones I'd had before. As soon as I had signed up for the $5.99/mo charge, I promptly forgot all about it.

Anyway, I have been a schmuck who never checks her voice mail, never calls people, doesn't care that her phone is broken and doesn't try to warn people about it. But at least in just a few days, there will be a way to contact me again. Maybe this time around, I'll actually stay in touch.

If there was one of those mood buttons like they used to have on LiveJournal, I'd select the "self-hating" button. I'm not sure what's bringing me down, but I feel sad.