Desafortunadamente

"Desafortunadamente" is a word that I have always had a hard time getting right. For a long time, I would cut out a syllable here or there, making it "desfortunadamente" or "desafortunamente". Truth be told, I'm only crossing my fingers and hoping I spelled it right here. But it's the first word that comes to mind for this post, and I don't have the heart to look it up to verify its correctness.

I just did something that I have been putting off for two months. I submitted my resignation to the BOD for the organization I've been working with for three years. My heart truly aches to think about it, in a way that I suspect has more to do with me than with anything I ever did as part of the Board. But for the last couple of months, my only contribution has been to read e-mail subject lines before quickly closing the browser and shifting my mind to other thoughts. The experience, while eye-opening, is not what I had hoped for.

For one, and perhaps the biggest issue, I did not stay in the community. Shortly after I was nominated, I began to realize that my time in town was likely drawing to a close. Shortly after I was elected, T and I made the decision to move. Shortly after the first training, we were relocated a state away. But for a year, I made it work, for two reasons: 1) I love and believe in the mission of the organization and 2) my friends who nominated me for the position did so because they believed I could make a positive difference.

Obviously, to step down brings self-criticism in the form of inverse logic: stepping down means abandoning the organization, abandoning my friends. But I can't let that logic continue unchallenged, which is what I was doing by avoiding this topic altogether. The fact is, I love the organization and my friends, and can probably be more free to participate in a way that is right for me now that I am no longer a part of the BOD. But I had to swallow my pride and admit to messing up, because I have effectively abandoned my post, before moving on.

So that's what I did. I sent an e-mail to explain (but not excuse) my absence and I hope that I don't get too criticized for it, as I am coming to see that's what paralyzes me the most. In the end, though, I think this was the best thing for everyone involved, and I feel somewhat relieved.

Sigh.