a little optimism back in the mix

i don't feel like getting away anymore. i feel better. thank you for indulging my rant, internet. today was the first of my last classes. International Law. in honor of the beginning of the end, here is a list of some things i like about finals time:

1. a built-in excuse to sit for long periods of time in cozy spaces, such as the couch, a coffee shop or a hidden corner of the library.
2. camraderie around school, especially when it takes the form of free food at random hours of the day and night (e.g. the black law student association's free coffee, doughnuts and snacks from 6:30-8:30 tomorrow night).
3. not having to buy tokens to go to school on the train every day because i can do all my work at home.
4. feeling more productive than i have all semester, and that feeling that everything is all starting to come together and make some sense (or at least the anticipation of hopefully, eventually getting that feeling).
5. moments when i am not studying feel so much sweeter, especially when i am watching tapes with T in the living room at night.
6. baking and ordering pizza as "rewards" for studying.

okay, that's it. i'm not gonna push it. six good things about law school finals. pretty good. now, i have to finish my Con Law and Civ Pro reading for the semester. good night.

today i feel like getting away

i am actually posting at school. for the first and (probably) last time. i hate to even acknowledge this blog's existence while i am at school because i am that paranoid. not that i have deep dark secrets on here or anything. i just really hate opening up without having some measure of control over who i am opening up to. ironic, then, that i have a blog in the first place, right? but oh well.

i got to school 15 minutes late for class and decided not to bother going. i had to turn in a late application for grant money so that i can hopefully get a little money this summer to supplement T's income. otherwise, there's a good likelihood i'll blow through my savings far too soon. i am definitely undercapitalized this year. but anyway, that's why i am sitting here in the completely empty student lounge, typing a blog entry on a computer that is dangerously close to exposing my online persona to anyone who would happen to sit down next to me. but nobody comes here, at least not before noon, so i'm cool.

there is something blissful about finding a quiet place at the law school, especially around this time of the semester when things are getting hectic and i realize i've turned into one of those people that can't be bothered to talk to others. but it's more than needing to study. i really feel this strong urge to be alone right now. when i was waiting for the train to come, i was staring at the map in the station and had this fantasy flashed before my eyes where instead of getting off at my stop, i just kept riding the train northward and getting off at a different place i'd never been to explore the outskirts of the Big City with my backpack and a clear conscience. i feel so overwhelmed.

sometimes i think law school was a huge mistake. not because i don't like studying the law. i love it. it's just the toll it's taking on my mental health is a lot higher than i expected, and it's taxing on my relationships too. not just with T, although that's the one i'm most aware of and fret about the most. i got my first rejection the other day -- it was a rejection for a slot on the Jessup International Moot Court. kind of disappointing, but all and all not the worst news i could have. the academic challenges are so much more manageable to me, with their sterile ups and downs, than the challenges of interacting with people. i can't put a finger on it, but i feel unhappy and insecure. they say that law school does a number on your self-esteem. but that's supposed to be about how bad your grades are, or because you might not make law review. it's not supposed to be because you feel alienated from everyone around you.

i'm exaggerating. but the truth is that i feel like a hermit. not because i really like to be alone to the exclusion of all else. just that i don't feel like i like myself much right now, and prefer to hide out. there's no real reason why. sometimes i go through periods like this. i try to wait them out, especially as they are often linked to my menstrual cycles. but for the time being, i'm just feeling pessimistic. i'd rather be riding the northbound train to a place i've never been than headed back to the law library to read about civil procedure. maybe it would give me something more interesting to talk about.

unbelievable

T just got back from walking the dog. i'm sitting here trying to figure out how to start a story about a nice little moment earlier tonight, when he totally breaks my train of thought by standing in the doorway with an *enormous* reading lamp.

me: "where did you get that?"
him (breathless): "in the trash!!"
me: "does it work?"
him: "i don't know. it has light bulbs in it and everything."
me: "well, plug it in!"

he has since gone to our bedroom and i am listening to him clicking the lamp on and off and on and off and on and off and muttering to himself with each click: "unbelievable."

guess we got a new lamp. i wonder what we're gonna do with the old one. which, come to think of it, i rescued from a curb when i lived in Durham.

and to think, we're still arguing over whether or not to register for things like a working toaster over or nice place settings.

*

what i was going to say before i was interrupted by the exceedingly talented dumpster diver is that T paid me a really lovely compliment earlier. and i'll admit, i asked him for one. we were stretched out on the floor playing boggle as part of our recent effort to spend one hour a night together (dinner and DVDs don't count). one of us was brushing the dog, the other pinning him against the couch so he couldn't get away. i said to T, "tell me something you like about me," and he immediately responded, "you're sexy, smart and beautiful."

"tell me something you can't also say about some hot woman on t.v.," i insist.

"you're good at the whole law school thing," he said. i really had no idea why he would care how well i do at school, so i asked him what he meant. he told me he meant i was good at balancing going to school with the rest of life, and not getting completely stressed out all the time. "i mean look at this," he said, as i stretched out on the carpet with the dog plopped on my belly. "you aren't freaking out right now."

i weakly reminded him that the rest of the day, when i'm not at home at dinner or in the early evening, i AM stressing. but really, that's beside the point. and it's also beside the point, but kind of humorous, that the standard for good school-life balance right now is whether or not i'm freaking out while i lay on the floor of our living room.

it's nice to know that i have a little home and a big life and an identity that has not been totally consumed by law school or our decision to come here. even better, it's nice that i get to share all of those things with T and that he recognizes them as something to love about me. in those little moments with him, law school is such a side note.

south

i'm hanging out in richmond. just got signed up with twitter by my good friend J. we are staying at J & P's house tonight. being here feels timeless, and comforting. thinking of our house in the Big City also feels comforting. it's nice to know that we have good friends with good lives and we also have good lives in our own good town, and everything feels chill on a night like tonight.

we've been drinking gin and tonics for the last couple hours. now they are all outside while J and T smoke cigarettes, a habit i wish he would drop, and P shaves T's neck. meanwhile, johnny cash has played san quentin twice in a row on the ipod, and i am trying to write a coherent sentence.

earlier, we visited T's business partner/friend who just had a baby with his long-time girlfriend. the baby is adorable and their lives are definitely changed forever, and babies have been the talk of the evening.

i like the south, way better than the north.

bobbly-head

doing my taxes feels like my recurring childhood nightmare of standing in the middle of a city street holding a giant parade float by a single string. at any minute, i could accidentally slip up and let go, and everything will fall apart. papers will fly everywhere, numbers will go in the wrong boxes, checks will never arrive and i will be left with the vague but unsettling feeling that i am not in compliance with the law. horrors.

seriously.

somehow, early on in our relationship, i explained this nightmare parade scenario to t, and we began calling it my "bobbly-head" dream.

(pause while i run through my Form 1040 checklist and try not to knock anything over.)

...and i can already see the problems. i only have one copy of my W-2 for one of my "employers." (same employer, different entity.) this is because they had my address wrong and the actual proper ADP direct-to-employee version never got to me, so all i have is a lousy photocopy. crap. attempt to do this all in one fell swoop has failed.

i am teetering on the edge here.

at least i'm supposed to get a damn good refund this year!

almost

just came up from walking the dog over to the park by our place. there was a guy pushing his girl around on a bike, gently guiding her along the sidewalk in the shadows as she maneuvered the pedals for the first time. it was a sweet moment to witness.

back upstairs now, the house smells like cilantro, achiote and rice. in short, the whole apartment smells delicious. that's because T is cooking me a dinner he promised me, and which i do not deserve, because i have been cranky and stressed all week and he wanted me to take a break when i got back from this all-day thing i had to do today.

it's almost an idyllic moment here, of peace and quiet, with music on the stereo, the dog at my feet and smells emanating from the kitchen-cove.

Ann Taylor never felt so good.

I'm all dressed up in my suit and drinking my coffee at home before trekking over to the subway for the ride to school. My oral argument folder is prepared and I think I've got a good handle on the case law for both my arguments and opposing counsel's. I feel confident (thanks Ann Taylor & caffeine) and excited (TGIF -- if all goes poorly, there's still a birthday dinner and a friend's show to go to tonight). I'm so pumped, actually, that my mind is daydreaming about a future career in litigation.

It occurred to me that now may be the first and last time I feel this way. I have no actual idea what it's like to make arguments before a judge. I may hate it or I may realize I'm an utter failure at it. More likely, nothing earth-shattering will happen, I'll manage okay and get on with my life, and probably take Trial Advocacy next year anyway.

What makes today so exciting to me is that for the first time since I quit my job and started law school, I am getting a sense for how the pieces fit together. I am getting a little (albeit "moot") taste of what it will be like to return to the working world, in the field I have chosen. All of this studying and cramming for exams and staying up late to write a paper and deciding whether to go to class... it's actually going to lead somewhere. It's getting me closer to the place I wanted to be when I decided that I didn't want to be a social worker, and when I decided that human resources wasn't for me, and when I realized that I loved working with the immigrant community but felt stuck in terms of what I could do. I'm actually feeling empowered today. It's a wonderful feeling that it's taken me ten minutes of typing and blathering on about to pinpoint. Empowered. It's a feeling I want to share.